Therapy was a little scattered this week because we had to discuss billing, one frustrating event, and the possibility of me joining group therapy. Which all had to be done, but then it only left a little time for "homework" discussion. I reported what my husband had made me accept (even though I didn\'t want to). That is the possibility that my anxiety/depression/feelings just ARE and that there is no "SOLUTION" because it doesn\'t need to be fixed, but acknowledged / accepted. As I stated before this realization was shocking.
My homework this week is to think about acceptance. What it means to accept emotions/anxiety/depression, but not in a "poor me" kind of way, but in a way that says, "give me what you\'ve got" knowing that you have within yourself the power to change things and move them.
Lately, I\'ve been learning more about dharma, synchronicity, and how quantum physics can give us a new perspective and a new way of looking at ourselves, spirituality, and every day life. Which is really good timing now that I\'m trying to learn acceptance! I\'ve really been questioning my role, my future, my self worth, etc. And I\'ve spent more time alone, more time thinking, more time trying to stretch my mind, and trying to be more forgiving of my emotions. For the longest time I have felt like a victim. I have come to think that things just happen to me(mostly unlucky things that either happen spontaneously or just pile on top of my poor choices).
Recently, I have tried to let myself be more and not over think consequences. I\'m not saying I\'ve done anything radical or dangerous physically, but more emotionally. As I\'ve put my toe in the water of emotion and expression again, I\'ve felt the vice on my chest unloosen little by little. I want these tiny movements to give me hope and light. I don\'t want to discount them and say that because I\'m not "cured" that they aren\'t important; because they really are.
I\'m finding myself to be protective of my time, space, what I subscribe to as far as religion and work are concerned. I\'m opening myself up to feel people more. Desiring more feedback, experience, and connection with friends and new aquaintances alike. It\'s become more important to me to find a path, but to not punish myself for not knowing right away, and allowing myself to consider things that I would have self-deprecated myself out of considering in the past. I\'ve tried to be more aware of my excuse making. Tried to let some things go. Even now as I\'m writing this, my chest hurts. I really want this to form, and it\'s going to take time. Right now that\'s okay.