My constant state of anxiety is already way above what a normal person should feel i'm sure, but just speaking to people hightens it to a leavel so much that i can't function properly, but after THAT, if actual threat happens, it goes tolevel3that is just too much. It makes my IBS set in instantly, gives me a headache, makes me tense up, get a frieght, drop everything and forget what i was actually doing. All because of trying to contain it in and not usingphysically fight or run away. I use the energy on myself rather than outwardly. Naturally i need to use that anxiety up physically or it damages me. It gives me stitches and palpitations and makes my heart beat ridiculously fast. It's horrible but in this world you can't do thing's physically anymore, you have to sort them out mentally and i havn't a clue how to do that. I couldn't even stop someone bullying me if they tried and that happening is something i worry about all the time too. Repressing anxiety causes these physical and mental problems and i can't let it damage me like that again over fear of being outwardly anxious. I'm going to have learn how to let it out when the situation calls for it. I'm anxious about that already. Most peoples problem is lack of energy, but mines the opposite, i have too much and it's damaging me because i can't use it up. The hightened anxiety i experienced today is a level i havn't had in a while and i've still got stitches and feel absolutely exhausted and pressure in my chest and the most annoying thing is it has made me forget a LOT of stuff. I've realised i've forgotton loads of stuff, especially what people have told me, things i wouldnt have normally forgot,more than i usually do which is quite a lot. Anxiety must be why i have memory problems. I'm going to have to put my natural genetics to good use some how to fight through this and i'm going to try to not prevent myself from letting it out. I don't deserve to worry about trying to stop myself worrying, it makes no sense. If i could pick one positive out ofthe negative, it made me less anxious about doing other things i would normally betoo anxious to do (but positive things)that i needed to do because of thesituation.

I'm proud i stuck it out. I managed this because my way of dealing with mypanickattacks is that i have to know i have a way out of the situation and give myself permission to consider walking out and think about it, then when i know i would be able to get out at any time, i am able to make the CHOICE of staying, without having a panick attack. I've learned a few months agofrom someone that i'm not kind enough to myself and it helps a lot if i'm nice to myself at the same time and be on my own side. Because offiguring out these things a while ago,they actually worked and i got throughit. If the environment was only the slightest bitdifferent it wouldn't have worked. You have to be proud more when your failing and tell yourself your doing it on your own and working your way up.

I also finally made myself do excercise because i had to to get rid of the toxic energy. That's one way i'm going to have to permanantly get rid of it from now on. lifes hard. We all seal with it in different ways so if only we were all together, we would all have lots of different ways of dealing with it all at once and be indestructable.I guess that's why it'sso much harder for people on their own.


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