Taken from my blog on blogger
Hello everyone. It is really awkward to start out these things, because you're not entirely sure what to say. My name is Stephanie and I'm (almost) 22 year old student in Orlando, Florida. I suffer from Generalized Anxiety Disorder (GAD) and Panic Disorder. I hate the word "suffer" though, that word to me just sounds like I'm terminally ill and there is no means of hope for me what so ever, which I do not believe. The reason I decided to start a blog was just to keep a journal of my feelings, thoughts, and emotions. I don't intend on every post being an Oprah Winfrey special, because I do have my share of opinions on the daily ongoings of society and culture in our world. Let me warn you though I am wordy person and tend to have lengthy blogs.
Let me tell you a bit about myself. I consider myself to be an engaging,warm, and genuine person. I really enjoy the company of like-minded others, and I get the most satisfaction from brightening other peoples days or lending a shoulder to cry on. I never feel inclined to be this way it just seems natural to me. I have a genuine love for people that knows no bounds, and though I think that is a good quality, it does sometimes come to bite me in the ass.
I am a perfectionist by all means. Even though we all know perfect doesn't exist, I still try and achieve it some how. Growing up, I was teased a lot on my appearance and from what I've learned this wasn't just teasing,this was pretty severe emotional and mental abuse. It made me feel completely inadequate, unworthy, unlovable, and pretty much like utter garbage. Though that was 9 years ago, I still feel the after effects of it all. I feel like I am on an never ending quest to prove to people that I am worthy and I deserve love. Mind you, I have made some great strides in my live in 2006 I began dieting and exercising. I lost around 60lbs and did some life coaching that really allowed me to realize that I am a social and outgoing person. Though my self esteem has improved slightly I still have miles to go, and this has created some immense anxiety.
I am currently in therapy, and I absolutely love my therapist. I went undiagnosed for years and to finally have a diagnosis is a relief, but at the same time I do not want to accept it. Every time I have a panic attack or am struggling through anxious thoughts I want to fight it off. I'm ashamed and embarrassed for feeling this way and having this. I want to be better than it, but trying to fight it only makes it worse. It completely ruins the "fun" I should be having in my life. Everything I ought to enjoy becomes a chore. It becomes something I dread. I worry so much about how I'll feel, how people perceive me, and if I'm saying the right things. When these things go wrong, I just beat myself up about it. I'm angry at myself for feeling this way, and I in all honestly I feel I deserve every ounce of "suffering" I feel from this. I don't want to impose on people my struggles or my worries it's not their burden it's my own. I don't feel like this everyday, but at it's peak this is how I feel.
Amongst all this, deep down I know that I owe it to myself to be better. People seem to like me and enjoy my company, thats not the point though. The real issue at hand here is what is going to take for me to love myself and accept myself for who I am and all my flaws? Though, my anxiety is probably not going to go away. I know part of it may dissipate if I begin to take those tiny steps towards that goal. On that note I'm going to again start practicing "acknowledgments" and "gratitudes" something I learned from Rhonda Britten's "Fearless Living". Each blog post I will write 1 thing I acknowledge myself for and 1 thing I am grateful for. As, the days or weeks go on I will increase the number I do. Hopefully this will begin to shift my focus on the positive aspects of myself rather than the negatives.
I acknowledge myself for opening up this journal so I have a place to release my thoughts rather than hold them in.
I am grateful for the friends and family who give me the love and the (((( )))) (hugs) I need so much. They will never know how much all that means to me.
Peace and love,