I keep fighting this and fighting this and all I know is what I'm running from, not what I'm running to. This would be so much easier if I could lift up my head and open my eyes and know what's waiting for me at the end of this track.
Finally found a therapist here. He agrees with the bipolar diagnosis. And I am rapid cycling if there ever was one… Jesus Christ. Now that I'm off the antidepressants and understand my condition, like zomg. But it's even harder now to know what's manic and what's depression and what's fucking me. Started on bipolar meds, finally. Start low, go slow, as they say, even though I'd almost rather jump right into the maximum dose and risk the side effects. I'd rather have a heart attack and spend 2 weeks in the hospital than sit here and wait for them to take effect.
I am clawing my way out of my own skin tonight. So much energy, but no will. I smoked. I masturbated. Thought about drinking, realized I had no alcohol. Thought about smoking the pot M got me, realized I had nothing to smoke it in. Thought about going over to P's room and jumping him, then realized it's fucking idiotic.
Making lots of changes lately. Cut my hair off. Thinking about getting an eyebrow piercing. Still thinking about getting a tattoo. "Finding myself," they call it. Finding myself. I don't even know where I'm looking. It's like some twisted, fucked up game of blind man's bluff. Only I'm rich and successful and not homeless and destitute. I have enough to eat and no one's trying to kill me except myself. Watched Charlie Wilson's War tonight. That movie inspires me. And depresses me. About myself, about America, about life. It makes me want to be a terrorist. As much as I love my job, it's still fucking meaningless. You know it is. 8 million downloads, and it doesn't mean a god damned thing. I want to be out in the field, doing things that really, REALLY change people's lives. Honestly thought about going into the military for a few minutes today after the movie, then realized that's not exactly what I'm going for.
Fuck it. I just don't know what to do with myself anymore.