I'm so used to doing things with others in mind before myself. I've become an expert at forgoing a therapist's visit just to save the money and the added time it takes to get me there (thanks to my fear of driving). My mother was able to get me back onto her insurance (until 2017) making the copay for therapist's visits and doctor appointments is nearly cut in half. I suppose I owe it to her to reschedule the appointment sometime after January 1st (instead of December 28th). I mean it would save around $40 so that's probably the best thing to do. Given the fact I did not get my burst of holiday....contentment (at the very least) as I have in past years, I'm bracing for a particularly difficult...span of time. I can't even say the depression episode would last only a few weeks. It's nearly 24/7 and has been for over a year. I've come to rely heavily on movies, literature and music just to keep my mind focused and the dark thoughts away.
My nurse practitioner (np) mentioned a residential treatment/vocational program that actually works with insurance companies!! When she mentioned it, I nearly smiled. But I know all about the "too good to be true." Lithium--despite the long list of side effects--showed to be beneficial for those with Treatment Resistant Depression. I was desperate. I printed the article and gave it to my np and psychologist. My psychologist informed me of the side effects and we discussed it before I saw my np. My np checked Lithium against the meds I was already on (and I later did the same with surprise at some results). I was on it 2 months and hoping like hell that the headaches would go away and the medication would do something to help. But no such luck.
Anyway, the residential/vocational facility sounds like the perfect thing for me. Get out of the "keep going for my family" mode and find a reason I want to fight and start working toward a job. I'd even consider forgoing the rest of the prepaid college fund my parents set aside for my brother and I. I can't get through school the way I am now. I've tried. Online classes are just trouble when it comes to my ability to stay awake and read but ideal in so many other ways. I've tried the dorm thing and it worked for a while too but it just was too costly.
Something has to happen. I can't continue keeping my silent promise to my family (basically not trying anything stupid). I look around at our pets and even knowing some need me to let them out, I'm so quickly reminded of how much the invisible chains depression and anxiety have worn me down.


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