Monday was my 30th birthday….  Monday I was told I was HIV Positive by Mike.  Monday the world stopped, froze, and slowed down to a sudden halt.  Monday I realized I know nothing of what the future holds and yet how little I thought I knew.

 As I face this unknown, I don't know quite what to do.  I ordered two more tests from separate agencies.  Gatta love getting your blood drawn.  The medical provider becomes the patient.  They should write a book about that irony…  I haven't told my family,  Not sure I will or even want to… They wouldn't understand.  I don't even Understand.  I spent over 7 hours talking to my priest and another 4 talking to my best friend.  Monday I looked up a support number for HIV patients for the first time.  I used it twice that night.

 Tuesday I confided in a coworker, my coworker Told me Plasma centers loose mix up stuff all the time.  Not this time.  I saw the results myself,  No mistake,  Hope for biological false positive in the Western Blot……….  Went down to get my blood drawn for a HIV test again.  Tuesday I looked up HIV on the internet for the first time.  Tuesday came with new terms like medicine viral loads, cd+4, disease, longevity, counseling……….

 Wednesday I went down to County Health and talked to Cynthia, Wednesday is today.  Two more vials.  She told me the plasma place isn't wrong.  I discovered how degrading it feels to be a patient.  Not cynthia's fault.  guess degrading feelings are the norm for this situation.  Wednesday, today.  I found HIV Pos chatlines, and learned from Progect inform of clinical studies( can't handle anymore information right now from anyone)

I talked to the CDC today, I talked to a million agencies, had my final hopes of a false Positive Western Blot dashed on the rocks after looking in a log book at work.  Today I discovered My life is now 100% different medicaly, physically, and food wise…..  This is going to take a lot of time.

Today I was referred to a counselor for six sessions.  So now some one gets to do what to me?  This feels like a nightmare that I'm awake for and can't get out of…..  I can't deal with anything from anyone right now.  My career, everything is on the line, and for what?  I didn't do anything to deserve this.  Why Me?  I don't understand. Why me.  Why do I want to cry, why do feel like I'm drowning on the inside and there is no life raft?  Why do I feel like God hates me?  I can't stand to even be around my friends at all, much let alone work.  I'm getting little sleep and nothing seems right at all.  I don't get it.  I just don't get it.

 I'm sure I'll cheer up when I finally wake up…. But when?

Monday was my Thirtieth Birthday. Monday I found out I am HIV Positive. Monday my life Changed… Monday. Now I know why everyone hates turning 30 and why every one hates Monday. Monday…………

2 Comments
  1. Author
    prettybiggirl 14 years ago

    Its a long road , but now it is paved.  I have traveled it for 21 long years. take one day at a time and remember ….life is good!  be a fighter and you will win the  battle.  If you shold ever want to talk  just message me I would answer any questions I can for  you….   hugs Vickie

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  2. Author
    Mikey35 14 years ago

    Wow, that was some blog. I, as I'm sure everyone else on here can, understand how you feel. I never thought finding out I was HIV pos. would be so hard and so difficult to deal with. I have a couple of friends who have been pos. for several years so it's not like I was new to the information. When my Dr. said the words “your HIV test came back positive” I  felt like everything came to a dead stop.  It was like I was in some kind of F'd up dream. Every three months when I go back to the Dr. to get blood drawn I keep thinking he'll tell me there was some mix up at the lab and that I'm not really pos. I know that's not going to happen. It gets a little easier each day (I know you have already been told that a million times by now). Even though I have friends that are pos. it's uncomfortable to talk to them. I feel like they will give me shit for feeling the way I do. I have met a couple of really incredible people (Eddy) on here that have really been a Godsend. I hope you know that you are not in this alone and that if you need to talk you can always find someone to listen.

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