Monday was my 30th birthday…. Monday I was told I was HIV Positive by Mike. Monday the world stopped, froze, and slowed down to a sudden halt. Monday I realized I know nothing of what the future holds and yet how little I thought I knew.
As I face this unknown, I don't know quite what to do. I ordered two more tests from separate agencies. Gatta love getting your blood drawn. The medical provider becomes the patient. They should write a book about that irony… I haven't told my family, Not sure I will or even want to… They wouldn't understand. I don't even Understand. I spent over 7 hours talking to my priest and another 4 talking to my best friend. Monday I looked up a support number for HIV patients for the first time. I used it twice that night.
Tuesday I confided in a coworker, my coworker Told me Plasma centers loose mix up stuff all the time. Not this time. I saw the results myself, No mistake, Hope for biological false positive in the Western Blot………. Went down to get my blood drawn for a HIV test again. Tuesday I looked up HIV on the internet for the first time. Tuesday came with new terms like medicine viral loads, cd+4, disease, longevity, counseling……….
Wednesday I went down to County Health and talked to Cynthia, Wednesday is today. Two more vials. She told me the plasma place isn't wrong. I discovered how degrading it feels to be a patient. Not cynthia's fault. guess degrading feelings are the norm for this situation. Wednesday, today. I found HIV Pos chatlines, and learned from Progect inform of clinical studies( can't handle anymore information right now from anyone)
I talked to the CDC today, I talked to a million agencies, had my final hopes of a false Positive Western Blot dashed on the rocks after looking in a log book at work. Today I discovered My life is now 100% different medicaly, physically, and food wise….. This is going to take a lot of time.
Today I was referred to a counselor for six sessions. So now some one gets to do what to me? This feels like a nightmare that I'm awake for and can't get out of….. I can't deal with anything from anyone right now. My career, everything is on the line, and for what? I didn't do anything to deserve this. Why Me? I don't understand. Why me. Why do I want to cry, why do feel like I'm drowning on the inside and there is no life raft? Why do I feel like God hates me? I can't stand to even be around my friends at all, much let alone work. I'm getting little sleep and nothing seems right at all. I don't get it. I just don't get it.
I'm sure I'll cheer up when I finally wake up…. But when?
Monday was my Thirtieth Birthday. Monday I found out I am HIV Positive. Monday my life Changed… Monday. Now I know why everyone hates turning 30 and why every one hates Monday. Monday…………