WTF is wrong with me today. I can’t seem to get anything right. I have been just like fumbling all over myself today. I couldn’t start an IV, then of course while setting up the damn thing I hang D5W instead of NS… Good thing I did not get the IV huh. Then while driving to the hospital, I missed my exit on two seperate occasions. It only gets better, let me tell you. Everyone of my run reports this week has been kicked back to me for the stupidest reasons. Whether it is for a missing signature, missing freaking medicare statement or what not… It’s pretty bad when ones partner and ODS come up to me and ask if there was anything wrong.

I just don’t really know, I really really don’t. I just feel as if I am totally off kilter. My whole center of being is totally fucked. I don’t feel right, and no I don’t mean physically. (I never feel right in that respect on a day to day basis)

There is just so much going on, I can’t get my brain to focus on one thing and it is driving me insane. Of course inside I feel I just can’t talk to anyone. Yeah, I can talk to my Lala, but she has enough on her plate to be worried with all of my crap right now. I don’t want to lay that burden down on her.

Oh and let me tell you how bad it really is… I was asked to get a cheeseburger with extra cheese, lettuce, onions and mayo… Like how damned hard can that be? I guess for me it is like totally impossible today. Twice I tried, twice was a rotten failure, I can’t even get it together enough to get a dinner order right. I am so glad that I did not have anything serious while I was on the ambulance today, no telling if I would have killed someone or not.

To make matters worse, is not I am feeling like I am wallowing in self-pity and it like totally disgust me… Thus I am disgusted with myself, and that in turn makes me feel even more screwed up… I can’t win for losing today.

I just want to crawl under a rock and just fade out of existance, quietly.


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