Well I only had two actual friends all during elementary. I met Karissa when I was five and I met Cami when I was seven or eight. Well once sixth grade came Cami was hanging out more with her other friends. I didn't mind too much though because she wasn't very mature. Well Karissa hung out with her other friends too but she also hung out with the new girl in our class and she knew I hated her. She would ditch me for her and I couldn't stand it. Then it was time to go to seventh grade and leave the school and people I had been with for seven years. Karissa was going to the same school as me but Cami wasn't. I got my class schedule in the mail and I cried when I read it. I had several male teachers and I had never had a male teacher and was normally uncomfortable around them, as well as male doctors and stuff. I went to Stapley for three days. I hated it. I was overwhelmed by the amount of people, the size of the campus, and the harshness of the teachers. Everyday I would come home and cry. And then on the fourth day of school I broke down and cried and said over and over to my mom 'I can't do it' and I begged her to let me stay home. She did and then we decided I was going to go to the small charter school Alice went to.

I was twelve when this all started. Being at the charter school was slightly better. The campus was small and the teachers were nice. And the work was easy. I never made friends though. I was taking eighth and ninth grade classes instead of seventh and everyone was older than me. They all knew each other already and I just didn't fit in. I didn't really talk at all and I just sat there quietly doing my work. I tried to make it so the teacher didn't pick on me. Alice always ate lunch in her favorite teacher's classroom so I ate lunch with her. There were people outside the room that wanted to come in but the teacher only said we could go in so we had to tell them to go away. Well one day Alice decides she wants to eat lunch in her Art classroom so she doesn't after to walk there when the bell rang. Well I had the choice to go with her to her art room with people I didn't know or to stay alone in the other classroom and fend off the people who came to the door myself. I decided to go with her, that being by myself wasn't worth it. I didn't talk to anyone there and just sat there while Alice was talking to people she knew. Then we started taking independent versions or our classes so we could do the work at home and then just come in to take the test. I remember going in for a math test. The teacher said he wanted me to do the problems in a certain way but I only knew the other way to do them and I got really nervous. I sat down and was holding the pencil and I was watching my hand tremble. I was so scared. And then after I gave him the paper he said it was ok I did it the other way. Then being fed up with the school we switched to a distance learning school were we got classes in the mail and then took tests on the computer and came to the school for the finals. I had taken a typing class and when it was time for me to take the final I was too scared. I was scared about screwing up and having the person watching me so I didn't look at the keys and then if I failed I would have to come back and do it again. Well then Alice got cancer and we couldn't promise the amount of hours we were supposed to do on homework so we became official home schoolers. During the time that I had stopped going to school I was really going down hill. I stayed in my room in the dark all the time. I would blush and sweat and get really nervous over something simple and I hated it. I didn't go anywhere and my dad always bugged me about it telling me I needed to get out of the house but I couldn't tell him I was too scared. I soon was nervous around my dad and I could hardly stand to be with him. I could be okay with Alice and mom but even that was a little hard. I would skip meals so I didn't have to eat with anyone. I would sometimes make something to eat at night so I could take it in my room and eat it in the morning without any being around to watch me make it or eat it. I remember I once spent the whole day in my room and only went out to eat and go to the bathroom. I stayed watching tv with my hands resting on my cheeks so if I blushed no one would see. Finally I couldn't take it and I got up the courage to tell my mom. I had been suffering for months with no one knowing and I couldn't do it anymore.

I would also read with just a book light so I could read but people wouldn’t be able to see me. I would get terrified to get up in the morning and go out to the living room. I dreaded Christmas when my dad would be home for about eleven days straight for his break and I couldn't escape him the way I could when he was at work. I didn't want Christmas morning to come either because that meant that I had to open presents in front of people. My dad also made me help put up the Christmas lights and that was very hard. And all during that time I tried to talk to Karissa but I would call and call and she would never answer and I knew it wasn't because she wasn't home. So I gave up on her and let go of the last friend I had.

I decided to tell my mom so I called down the hall and asked my mom to come to my room. Of course I had a blanket over the window and there were no lights on. I told her a think I have social anxiety disorder. (I knew what it was because I saw a Zoloft commercial for it, normally it's depression but this one was describing my symptoms and I knew that's what I had.) She jokingly said 'we all do' because her, me and Alice have anxiety issues in some form or another to deal with and she figured that was what I was talking about. I started to cry and she said 'you're really bothered by this aren't you' and I said yes and she looked up some herbal stuff online to help with anxiety because I was too scared to go to a doctor (which I despise doing anyway). Of course they didn't work and she set up an appointment with a shrink. So once I had told my mom I clung to her, because she was the only one I could go to. Alice got annoyed with mom spending so much time with me and she had started to complain about it. It was the night before I had to go to my shrink appointment and I was so scared and wanted to be with my mom and Alice wanted mom to be with her and I was so upset that Alice couldn't give me this time with her. She knew what was going on at that point and she should have understood. I went to the shrink and I hated her. The first thing she said to me and I mean literally the first thing was 'you're pretty but you're over weight' and I was like 'ok I hate you' , but obviously I didn't say that to her. I was put on liquid Paxil because I had a big problem swallowing pills. Then I was switched to the pill version. The Alice got cancer and I felt guilty because I was still worried about my anxiety, with having to stay home with my dad when my mom was at the hospital with Alice, and having to deal with the nurses and bright lights when I was there too. But I was also upset about Alice. And my medication wasn't really working. By that point I had met my friend Jade online and she was making me feel better and she came to me at such a hard time and love her so much for it. Then I was switched to Lexapro and that worked okay. And just recently I was switched to Prozak and that works well for me. But I still have my problems of course. I couldn't go to a store alone and deal with the cashier and stuff. And I am nervous in front of new people or people I haven't seen in a long time. I am definitely uncomfortable with people my own age and I get nervous when we drive by the high school because of all the normal teenage people there that I would be too scared to be around.

And sometimes me and Alice get in arguments over whose anxiety has been worse. She has had anxiety especially when she was young but it never ruined her ability to function in everyday life. And I resent her for not understanding my problems better. Sometimes she will even make my situation worse. We were seeing a guy that we hadn’t seen in years and I wasn't comfortable saying anything and then Alice says 'gee Chrysta you haven't said anything' and she put the attention on me and made it worse just so she didn't have all the pressure on her. I wish she would take my pain more into consideration. And then everyone says poor Alice because she had cancer. And I know that was very hard for her but I have been suffering with this for years and it seems like it doesn't matter. I just hope that I can get better and function like a normal person…almost. I don't know if I am capable of getting a job and being out of my comfort zone without at least my mom… and I am scared about how I am supposed to do the responsibilities of being an adult once I become one.

Anyway I know that was really long and I am sure there are details I left out that I should have put in but I just don't remember. A lot of that time has kind of been blacked out of my memory.

And I never once thought of suicide. I thought that I wanted to sleep forever and just dream. Or that this problem would just go away, but I never wanted my life to end.