So….In my last entry I had said that I was going to have Lunch with Maddie B. Since she had asked me and…I couldn't bring myself to say no, despite me yelling that exact answer in my head…
Well, My anxiety got to me, to the point I used one of my chronic-medical issues as a reason to stay home, and not be able to have lunch with her…Only problem now is I basically just postponed it until tomorrow…
So, I'm practically in the same hellish social situation, Just a day later…I don't know what to do, Just thinking about how it could and could not go is causing me to panic, I've taken two Xanax (10mg)
and thinking about taking more…It's not the first time I've taken alot of pills at once…I just rather feel numb or 'out of it' then what I'm feeling now.
I know if I can't calm down i'll resort to my normal forms of coping- Which I shouldn't have to explain at the moment.
So…Anyway, that's how the day has gone so far. Then my mom stopped by the house to pick up her phone before she had to go back out, Because she has an event for her school or whatever,
And long-story-short comes out the jokes about me again, I just wanted to rip her mouth off, rip out her stomach and force it down her throat… She makes me so mad sometimes, Yet I can't confront her about it
So Instead I just take it out on myself. Also, I had another episode from my ED and forced out everything to the point of just forcing my acid-reflex to start up, To say the least. Today hasn't gone well.
I'm hoping the rest of the night isn't so bad, and maybe if I take enough xanax it'll just knock me out?
I'll let you know if I actually go tomorrow, and for that lunch thing…I just don't want it to go horribly wrong like I know it will, or I don't want her to ask "Why aren't you eating?" or something like that.
I don't like getting out of my comfort zone, you can relate to that feeling right? Well…I think i'm going to go now…and stop wasting everyone's time.
Hope everyone is doing alright in the tribe..and We'll see if I actually end up going tomorrow or not I guess..
