i'm tired of all of my what ifs. what if this and what if that, like a constant mantra in my head that tends to overun my mind like a dark flood. what if i mess up my laundry ritual or someone yells at me for spending too much time in the shower and what if my anxiety makes me sick again so that i cant keep food down?

what if i never getbetter? i've been turned away from my latest therapist for having too many problems. my only option now is an intensive course at a treatment center, and thats all i have left. what if that doesnt work? what if i spend the rest of my life never shaking hands or hugging people because it causes me to get sick? what if i have to map out my week on such a tight schedule for my ocd that i end up cutting out of stress? what if i cant hold down a job or pay rent or just end up ending it all one day. what if nothing works and i'm sick forever.

i'm tired of being sick and i am sick of being tired. i'm sick and tired of being sick and tired. i'm lonely, because no one understand or can relate, and i just want to be held without panicking to the point of hysteria because of my germphobia. i haven't hugged anyone in over a year and i just want to be held again. i just want to be normal.

i've had aspergers since i was little, so maybe normal isa lot to ask for. but it shouldnt be. wanting to be mentally healthy shouldnt be asking a lot. does anyone else ever feel that overwhelming sense of hoplessness? its such a depriving feeling, isnt it? i want to stop bathing myself in hand sanitizer, cutting myself out of anger, and scrubbing my skin so hard i feel like i'm shedding my skin on a daily basis. but i cant.

and i hate that.