I'm 33 years old and I've been suffering from depression since I was 12/13 years old. I received some counseling when I was younger but at the time the Dr I was sent to just didn't fit well with me. She was patronizing and down-talked me a bit, since then I've been hesitant to return to any kind of psychotherapy. For one, I don't want to be exposed to that kind of environment again (it almost did more harm than good) and two I don't have the money.
I have tried to talk to the people in my life about the way I'm feeling. One of my friends has been in my life for over 20 years. In her mind I have never been depressed and I don't know if its just cause I was so good at masking my feelings or if the depression is just in my head.
I try to talk about my feelings with her but I get blown off sometimes – if I hear the phrase "I just don't get it, what's so bad" one more time…hearing someone so close to me say that really hurts. I feel brushed aside and blown off.
The problem is that when people say they don't get it, I interpret it as they don't get me, for me the feelings I have and myself are one in the same…maybe its because I've lived with it for so long.
Right now I am feeling more and more anxious, depressed, you name it especially concerning my family and friends. Strangers aren't a problem, I don't expect THEM to get me and there is something nice about the lack of expectation.
Because of all this I find myself withdrawing more and more, I'm almost to the point where I am about to write off this 20 year friendship.
Is that really me saying that, writing that? I sound like a selfish asshole 😛