So three nights ago, I almost ended my life.  I walked to the truck with the gun and was going to go someplace quiet to end it.  I didnt want to wake the neighborhood, but I didnt have my license with me so i couldnt drive (pretty strange right I was goin to kill myself but I was afraid of getting a ticket) but the pause im my spur of the moment plan left me unable to do anything but shake and cry.  I dont really want to die but I certainly dont want to be alive.

That was Monday, I texted the crisis line and they helped a lot, but today was so hard getting up and walking to the truck like I had Monday, I thought it was bad yesterday but today its even worse.  Everything seems more perilous and I am worried how I will react, the shame is crushing and the fear of trying again is consuming my thoughts.  I dont know if anyone has words of wisdom or if there is nothing to do but move through it one moment at a time.  I just dont know if I am strong enough.

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