Soooo… I am unable to have children. For those who have children, there is absolutely no way for you to understand. You can try, but as you pat your pregnant belly or yell at your 5 year old who is strangling the cat, your words of sympathy are coming from a place that could be classed as a parallel universe.

We have tried everything before you ask. Except IVF, because we can't afford it. That pisses me off more than anything. Any half witted, government bludging piece of shit can get knocked up without having a cent to their name, but me, i can't even get the opportunity to TRY and get pregnant by the only method that will work.

I worry now even more about the future. Will I be the old weird Aunt in a nursing home that no one remembers, or visits, or cares about? That I will never feel the flutter of a baby inside me, or even have the chance to whinge about wetting my pants when I laugh after a hard birth has screwed my water works up a bit.

I can't explain how it feels whendozens of times a day I see a child/pregnant woman/family and knwo that I can never participate. That the geneaology I enjoy researching is going to be passed onto nobody, that no onewill care how I came about, what my mother did in her life, what my grandmother did in hers. That I am ultimately a nothingness in the world. Not just because that is how I feel, but that I actually AM nothing.

For those of you who choose not to have children, you can't understand either. I wish I could have been in your position – to have a choice – but my endometriosis has taken away that option. Not that I thought I would ever not want to have kids.

What am I going to do? How do you get over this? I have spoken to people, had counselling, but nothing can change the facts and that when you want to have what everyone else has and can't have it, ever, it doesn't work.

I wish I could just die in my sleep cause I don't have the guts to kill myself…

3 Comments
  1. halfdead 9 years ago

    So sorry you are in this place…with me!!!! I DO know how you feel, because I am in the same position. I feel like a non-person, because there is  no real reason for me to be here. It's all-consuming, every single day. My 2 sisters have 6 kids between them, and I have nothing, and will never have what it seems EVERYONE else has. We can't expect people to understand unless they are in this pit as well. Maybe we can help each other somehow?

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  2. aloneandlonely 9 years ago

    Why should one's life only have meaning if you have a child? I wanted children but wasted 10 years of my life hoping that the woman I was with would change her mind about having them. I finally left her but I never found someone to start a family with, and yes , I tried. The world is extremely overpopulated in case you haven't noticed.  Our natural resources are depleted and there will not be enough water or food to feed the world in the next century. But ppl go out and have 6 kids without even thinking twice? It seems very selfish to me. You could be a foster parent to many children that need a home.

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  3. Maraea 9 years ago

    Thanks everyone for your comments. It is really getting to me lately.  Some background about why I can't have children: diagnosed with endometriosis 10 years ago and have had several surgeries to help sort things out, including parts of my small & large bowel being removed.  I have been on all sorts of drugs to sort that out but basically the scarring is so horrific internally and I have so many cysts on my ovaries from the endo, that the chances of an egg leaving my ovaries is virtually nil. If it did make it out, it would be a miracle if it made it to my uterus,  My partner has a low sperm count (he is the love of my life) but that can be overcome with IVF relatively easily.  But that adds on $3000 to an already $10,000 bill for one cycle – which we can't afford. 

    I live in New Zealand where I can get on list to adopt a child (which I would love to do) but here the rates of adoption are really low.  With high level government support for those single mothers with children, and with no stigma being a single parent any longer in society, women are keeping their children now.  It could be years – by which time I will probably be considered too old by the children who are having children to be chosen by them to be a parent. Makes me angry to see stupid young kids having kids to several different fathers, living on government support (MY TAXES) while I am unable to conceive.  Then to see the kids get abused or neglected, it really makes me want to SCREAMMMM!!!

    I am a volunteer with a childrens' organisation in NZ, so I get to be with young girls (7-9 years old – they are a hoot!) once a week, teaching them what I know, but then I have to pass them back after an hour and a half and god forbid if I wanted to give one of them a hug.

    I could also foster, which would be great.  Again, through a waiting list and no permanency with it means constant heart break. I would like to retrain as a teacher but will have to save for that, so that is a while away – can't afford to take a year off to add to my current training to become qualified yet.

    Having children is something I have dreamt about since being a wee girl. I have always been a girly girl with dolls, cuddly toys, loving bling etc, although was brought up to think girls could do anything (was shocked when I found out that wasn't the way most people thought lol!)  But I want my own child (just one would do) regardless of its lineage really, to hold, to teach, to love, to love me. My partner would be an awesome dad and I feel that I am letting him down by not being about to give him a child.

    My mother has no biological grandchildren, my younger brother has inherited a genetic disorder from my father which has made him decide not to have kids. My older brother is my half brother, he has 7 kids (they live on a farm with NO TV etc lol!!) but they are all older now and have their own kids… all living 5 hours or more drive away.  Not really part of my life. 

    I feel that I am letting my whole family down, that thousands of years of descent stop at me.  I worry about being alone and forgotten, who but family will want to visit me when I am old?  Hard enough it seems to convince families to visit their elders now, let alone younger friends. My life isn't dependent on me having children, but I wonder how I will get through the ultimate disappointment in my life.

     

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