Soooo… I am unable to have children. For those who have children, there is absolutely no way for you to understand. You can try, but as you pat your pregnant belly or yell at your 5 year old who is strangling the cat, your words of sympathy are coming from a place that could be classed as a parallel universe.
We have tried everything before you ask. Except IVF, because we can't afford it. That pisses me off more than anything. Any half witted, government bludging piece of shit can get knocked up without having a cent to their name, but me, i can't even get the opportunity to TRY and get pregnant by the only method that will work.
I worry now even more about the future. Will I be the old weird Aunt in a nursing home that no one remembers, or visits, or cares about? That I will never feel the flutter of a baby inside me, or even have the chance to whinge about wetting my pants when I laugh after a hard birth has screwed my water works up a bit.
I can't explain how it feels whendozens of times a day I see a child/pregnant woman/family and knwo that I can never participate. That the geneaology I enjoy researching is going to be passed onto nobody, that no onewill care how I came about, what my mother did in her life, what my grandmother did in hers. That I am ultimately a nothingness in the world. Not just because that is how I feel, but that I actually AM nothing.
For those of you who choose not to have children, you can't understand either. I wish I could have been in your position – to have a choice – but my endometriosis has taken away that option. Not that I thought I would ever not want to have kids.
What am I going to do? How do you get over this? I have spoken to people, had counselling, but nothing can change the facts and that when you want to have what everyone else has and can't have it, ever, it doesn't work.
I wish I could just die in my sleep cause I don't have the guts to kill myself…