I have moved house closer to the family. As I thought straight away my sister has returned all care of mum back to me as she has stated she no longer has the time. She has a social life….. My employment is not what I expected, it is much much harder and I find due to my health condition I am struggling bigtime. the pain I am in at the end of each shift requires strong drugs that I dont like taking daily. I am sort of making friends but am finding out that what you see is not what you get. I am finding the majority of them to be back biters and very clicky. Two-faced really. I dont know that I want to align myself to them.The patients are typical high care nursing home patients. Mum is at me all the time wanting me to do things straight away because everything in her life is an emergency and I apparently to have no life except to be a servant. I have lost my friend my confidante and my mum now due to dementia. So I have no one to talk to. I have been to the doctors and because I am here now I no longer have access to a counselor. I dont know that this move really was a good idea, I have lost a lot but gained some things too. I now have a new baby, called MILLIE. we are starting obedience classes tonight. She is giving me a new lease on life. (she makes me crawl all over playing with her) I have gained a home that is secure and a rent that I can manage.

I have to start making a new life and I plan to do that. I did have a breakdown last week and I called my niece who came around to find me on the floor holding my head and sobbing, She helped me and got me the meds I needed and gave me great nursing care until I was safe to leave alone again. In a way its great that she is close but I worry that she will inadvertantly say something around my other family. None of them know about my health or mental health situation or that I have been on meds and counselling for years and I cant tell them. My niece is the only one with a bit of compassion and understanding. And she knows that i have suicidal thoughts and sometimes wishes.

So for now it's slowly slowly moving forward. hopefully to something great and new. Thats the plan anyway.