From 4am this a.m. – I was so tired, that I didn’t send this.
Everything has gotten away from me. I’m too manic to make heads or tails of anything, so, I took a risk. It’s an odd gamble, but something inside told me it might help.
I want to kick, so badly, and for various reasons, I just haven’t pulled it together this week. But, I want to, so much, and I was feeling pretty strongly about that, tonight.
I thought about how I talked a friend down, a couple years ago, who wanted to commit suicide. Every time I saw him, I made him promise not to hurt himself, until we saw each other again. I knew if he really wanted to end his life, badly enough… no promise would save him. All I could do was try. But, I figured that he really did want to live. He wanted to make all of his pain stop, but he didn’t want to die. I think those promises gave him something to hang onto. An excuse not to go through with it…
I thought… since I want this so much… maybe a little incentive and inspiration… could help me gut it out. But, who to promise? Not Charlie… that wouldn’t work for a number of reasons. It was a friend of mine – someone who means a lot to me. And, I told him what I was thinking, and he told me to promise him. And, I did. I promised I wouldn’t fuck up until I talked to him, again. I really don’t want to let him down. He mean a lot to me. It’s funny… friends have told me I should quit, but no one’s ever asked me to. Probably, because it sounds ludicrous. You can’t do that kind of thing FOR someone else. But, if you really want it… maybe, a little inspiration could help. Hell… I don’t know. It certainly can’t hurt. I know not wanting to let my friend down is a pretty powerful motivator. It kind of frightens me, because I’ve failed so many times. I don’t want to fail him.
It’s kind of nuts – I recently talked here, about Steve, a friend who I let in too quickly. (Who turned out not to be a very trustworthy friend…) But, recently, I’ve let someone get a lot closer, a lot faster. We’re friends from D-tribe, so we’re too far away to physically spend time together. But, we talk… pretty much every night. And, he’s made me laugh, and smile, and… he really has made me feel less sad. No one else has really been able to do that – my friends have been wonderful, but… I jut haven’t been reachable. Until this new friend started making me laugh… now, we’re (already) actually really close, and I’m worried about letting him down. It’s so odd, but it makes sense to me. I want to be able to tell him that I’m getting this done. I want this part to be over, so, I can find out what happens next.
I really hope I’m strong enough to do this. I really don’t want to break this promise.
I am barely awake right now.