The past two months i've been in job practice twice a week at a local, small store (with soaps and creams and suchlike, a nice-smelling place). I've been there wednesdays and fridays. The store is quite small, and there's not really a lot to do, but there's always something that needs re-filling or fixing. I'm never alone at the store, as I don't have my own codes for the cash register, so we're always two when I'm there. The rest of the time the girls work alone at the store. It's been a nice two months, gradually starting to feel more secure about what i do there, how to help people find what they need, talking to customers and co-workers, and i was looking forwards to continuing for a while, wednesdays and fridays.
Wednesday boss called, said we need to sign a new contract before i can work there more (as the old one expired the 16th) – that's ok. Then she said they don't need me more than once a week, on wednesdays when new deliveries are made. So i am to help them every wednesday from now on.
It took me a while to realize what that meant, but when i did it sent me right into all those old, ugly, painful feelings… Why don't they want me there – i mean, i work for FREE. They don't pay anything, my government disability does, i'm only there to get me out of the house. Still they don't want me. The only thing they want me for is to unpack new products, price them and put them where they are supposed to be.
Is it the way i talk to people? Customers? Give them crappy recommendations? Not polite enough? Too polite? Not pushy enough to sell extra stuff to people? Giftwrapping not professional enough? I know i don't know as much about the different products as the other people, is that it? Or is it the other girls that have asked the boss to only let me be there to unpack, so they don't have to do it, that they don't want my company?
That would seem to fit the pattern for me, people not liking me. At least not to be stuck with for 4 hrs a day in a small shop with not much to do. So my toughts start spinning. Thinking about all the things i've done wrong, like dropping stuff, perhaps trying too hard to help – but i believe it's more WHO i am than WHAT i do that bugs people. I've always been socially awkward. People scare me, and that makes me even more awkward. Like there's some kind of code i don't have, some manual i haven't read. I often get the feeling that people accept me just to be nice. ("Just let M be, she doesn't know any better, and you should be generous to people like that.") I feel inferior, stupid and small. And ashamed, guilty – i should have known better, it's my own fault that i do not understand.
These past 3 days i've gone from tears to apathy to anxiety to apathy back to tears. I've been crying since i got up this morning, off and on. Mind keeps bringing up pictures (and feelings) of situations where i've done wrong – from my entire life. All the bad decitions, the misunderstandings, the conflicts that was all my fault. I'm supposed to feel ashamed and deserve to feel like this. That's what's right. I wonder when i'll get used to it.
I've learned that it's wrong and shameful and "silly" to be sad or angry, so i never show my sadness and weakness to anyone. It would be nice to be held on days like this, but i don't dare let anyone in.
Not sure how well i'll feel when i go back to the store wednesday, knowing what i think i know about how they feel about me. I'll probably pretend like nothing happened, while keeping close track on what i do and where i go and what i say, trying to figure out where i'm going wrong. Not looking forwards to it, but i'll try to go there anyway.