First time on here. I recently had a series of intense life changes and have been dealing with it for a year. Its still hard. I wrote the following but had no one to turn to in feeling this way. decided to post it here. foreclosure, divorce, bankruptcy, and now trying to find my way through the wreckage. Still hard.

social stigma means shut up and dont bother others with your sadness
it only pushes people away
when you have every reason to cry and no matter who you vent to it doesn’t go away
try losing a house
all credit
living paycheck to paycheck
still falling behind
taking out iou’s to pay iou’s
losing all sense of self
the only relief is a dancefloor or the back of a horse
hard to set goals
even harder to keep them in view
just get through today
good things exist but why cant my mind stop these thoughts
i wish it didnt hurt all the time

i just want to sleep
wake me when its all over
death happens everyday
its all the ways we say goodbye
to those in our life
to the self we once were
to the dreams we once had

so i grieve still
and all anyone can ever say is snap out of it
smile for me – even if its a lie

what do you feel like eating?
i dont know
actually the answer is i don’t but thats not okay to say

have you drank water today?
no
i had a latte hoping it would give me energy 
im just so tired

do something!
like motivate
you try motivating when your body feels a thousand pounds
try eating when you hear your stomach growling and yet nothing has taste

i don’t even feel it anymore

keep it shallow
keep it shallow
then no one will know 
then no one else will feel hurt because you can’t make yourself happy

go get a manicure and pedicure
massage
look the part
act the part
sleep more
keep up at work until something snaps and you can’t do it anymore
and watch the bills overcome 
and disconnect as the due dates pass

the bankruptcy papers still stare back

months of this
am i even allowed to file them anymore…

at least when i lay in anothers arms i can match my breath to theirs and sleep
distracting these sad thoughts
insomnia… anxiety… the inability to think without fog…
i bet a professional would make a lot of money off me if i went
too bad
it isn’t in the budget

so just go back to sleep


wake me when its over

1 Comment
  1. mamabear18 11 years ago

    God that hit home hard. I”ve been in everyone of those possitions. It”s  hard. You”ve said everything I”ve felt, everything I”ve wanted to say, but figured why complain, at least in my life, no one would listen. If you need to talk I”d be happy to be there for you. 

    Mama 

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