When is it over? When can I stop fighting??? I’ve been dealing with this for so long, I’ve tried so many different things to get rid of this and I can’t do it. I thought I could just push through and eventually things would make themselves better but they won’t. It has taken every ounce of will that I have to just make it through day to day life. I wake up every single day and wish that I hadn’t. My life is a joke and I am a pathetic excuse for a person. I contribute absolutely nothing but misery to the few people who still choose to be around me. I don’t have a job, I barely shower, and I gain weight every day. I have to wear sweatpants every day because none of my clothes fit me any more. I know I haven’t been the most ideal person in the world but I always thought I was a good person. Why do I have to go through this? When do I get my turn to be a normal, happy person? Even just a mediocre, somewhat content person would be fine. But instead I am 18 years old and barely a shell of a person now. I have no friends, no one to talk to. The contempt I feel towards myself is ridiculous. I have no self esteem left, I have nothing. I am a big huge pathetic ball of emotions and no one gives a damn. Your senior year of high school is supposed to be one of the best and most memorable years of your life. Instead mine was probably the worst. I lost the best friend that I ever had,I got kicked out of my school, I lost my dream, and I lost my sanity. And it has only been downhill from there. I can’t keep a job, I can barely keep my mood for more than five seconds. Right now it is taking all that I have to keep  from sobbing uncontrollably. In about five minutes I will probably be mad about something stupid that isn’t even anyones fault. Maybe later tonight I will be having a panic attack. Who knows. The only thing I know for sure is that things are really bad right now and I don’t know how much longer I can take it.

3 Comments
  1. julie9 13 years ago

    I completely relate to your struggle. Waking up and having to face the same painful reality everyday is exhausting.  Getting out of bed is a fight.  My self esteem is in the toilet.  Human beings revolt me for the most part.  I get anxiety just walking outside.  The world and my place in it feels overwhelming. I feel I have nothing to look forward to except grief and dissapointment.

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  2. cassie_j13 13 years ago

    You have pinpointed my feelings exactly. I spend a lot of my time questioning what the poing of life even is. Not in a philisophical way, but more of a what do I have to look forward to, kinda way. I mean seriously, if this is what my life will be like forever, if I have to dela with this depression until I die, I see no point in continuing the misery.

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  3. julie9 13 years ago

    Misery and sadness are everywhere.  People are vicious and want you to fail.  I have no idea what the point of life is, and it drives me crazy when people think they have the answer.  Life seems like one big competition, and I don”t have the energy to compete.  Everyday tasks drain me, and I also feel tired in the shower.  I lay in bed as much as possible and still can”t get comforatable. I sometimes eat to the point where I”m in pain. My body will literally feel bruised.

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