I have come to understand how painful it is to live with obsessions. They take over your life and won’t let go. The worst part for me is the oversensitivity to things that I associate with my obsession.
I obssess about my girlfriend’s past sexual experiences. She had lost her virginity to me 4 months before we started officially dating- she never told me this though. During that 4 month period we stopped talking for 1 month, and during that month she slept with someone else. I was told this about 8 months into our relationship…and I have been obssessed with this for 3 years now. We are still dating, and I am still in just as much pain.
I have been doing a lot of reading on oversensitivit and OCD. It can become crippling. Last night this occurred to me. I was watching a movie last night and one of the main female characters has a sexual relationship with a man. His name happened to be the name of the person my girlfriend slept with. I was enraged, I could not enjoy the movie anymore. I was so upset I almost starting crying. I can’t watch sex scenes in movies, I can’t even say the other guy’s name. If someone I know has his name, I will go to great lengths to not call him that. I usually give him a nickname and call him something else. The other day, I wanted to rewatch one of my all-time favorite movies, but I couldn’t do it. One of the characters who has a sex scene in it has the other guy’s name. I tell my friends now that I hate that movie. The other day, someone used the common phrase at my work "that company is in bed with the other one." I could hardly hold back my anxiety and anger. I think about this all the time now… and so many things brings it up. I know what the guy looks like, and when I see anyone that resembles him, I fear that I can’t control my anger. I want to hurt that person. So many things that used to give me happiness in life are not anymore.
I used to be so optimistic and happy. But it is hard to now when so many things you see are hurtful and painful. Things don’t look the same through my eyes anymore.
Sorry for the depressing blog… this is just how I feel today.