I started a journal 3 months ago to explore my sexuality and it really helped. Today I decided to share my story so far because I am trying to figure out my sexuality so that I can come out soon. So here I go … One of my close friends is bi and when she came out to me I said “Okay, and ?… ” Mainly because I had  no idea what that meant so I found out through YouTube. I found all sorts of channels that where gay couples vloging there life, most of the couples that I saw were men. I watched lots of these videos every night in  my room with the door locked because I knew that if my parents found out that they would want me to stop because they believe strongly that Homosexuality is a sin. This lead to me isolating myself and spending all of my free time in my room alone with the door locked. At school I started hanging out with the gay community which isn’t very big. There I met this boy, we’ll call him Mat. Mat had been out of the closet since 6th grade, we were in eighth grade when our friendship started, and I looked up to him because he was himself. The first time that I ever saw him he was painting his nails in a social studies class and I thought he was crazy. I became his friend so that I would have a gay friend even if he didn’t know that I was a lesbian. Mat wasn’t a good friend and eventually I realized that he was toxic. I had an incident with a racist teacher at my school and was dealing with it and I was struggling and coming to terms with that. He wasn’t being supportive of my choice to speak up. Then someone at our school told me that he was saying racist things to black student. I confronted him and was incredibly disappointed when he confirmed the rumor. He said that he didn’t think that I would find out. I ended that friendship but that left me even more alone. That is when I started writing in a journal every night. By doing that I realized that I was watching gay men to distance the idea of being gay from myself. I thought that being gay was fine but I wasn’t a man so I wasn’t gay because that was what I was seeing. Eventually I decided to start watching lesbian couples and I stumbled across Amber and Ava and seeing them was a big turning point for me. I realized that I could still be girly and love makeup and like women. My aunt and mother stay all the time that they know that I am not gay because I am girly. After I discovered Amber and Ava I went down another loop hole of thought. I thought that if I am attracted to Masculine women then how am I sure that I am not straight. It took me a long time to realize that I just am not attracted to men I have only ever had a crush on one boy and that was in 3rd grade but, I think multiple girls at my school are hot. I am a lesbian and at this point I know that but right now I am struggling to understand how this affects my religion and if I can believe in god. My father is a christian and my mother is as well. My mother believes in her connection with god and not with a church. I decide that I believe in god like a christian but that’s it. I don’t believe that he hates gays because he made me and everyone else and he wouldn’t make all of that love if he didn’t approve. I am not afraid to come out to my mother because she seems the most pro lgbtq+ rights. My worry with coming out to my mother is that I will also be coming out to everyone else that she knows. My father on the other hand makes me feel uncomfortable constantly by saying how he feels about gay people. My father decided when I was 10 to move in a very nice house with my grandmother and her sister and they know very little about the gay community and constantly say things that offend me. My great aunt once actually said that she knew that I wasn’t gay because she was there when I was born and I have all girl parts. I decided yesterday that next time I was in the car with my mother I would tell her, and the next time I am alone with my younger brother because I think he’ll be able to keep his mouth shut. I don’t know if when i’ll tell my father but I am not looking forward to it. I think that after I know that my family has come to terms with it i’ll come out at school and if someone asks I am not going to lie ever again. Anyway i’ll most likely share how my coming out experience goes but I really wanted to share how I knew because I really struggled for 2 and a half years and I wish that sharing the story of how you knew  was a bigger thing. Anyway thanks for listening and I hope that my family realizes that I am still me.

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