Hi, my names Bea, and I’m a non-binary person and a recovering addict. I want to give you a heads up and tell you this will not be a pretty blog post. Listen to wretch by auto heart while reading this post. I have done many many things that have hurt my lungs, my memory, and other people. Just about a couple years ago I started abusing sex, weed, alcohol, and nicotine constantly. Being nonfunctional… I didn’t know who I was. I thought I was going to pass away in the next year if I kept up with my shenanigans.  That’s what I wanted. Remember I said wanted. This was the part of my life where I don’t remember leading people on, hurting them, using them. I never knew how many people I hurt until I had all my drugs taken away by my grandmother from all people! I became very dissatisfied with myself. My self esteem had been shot long before that. I persisted in trying to live a new life. I wanted to make a foundation of pain and love. I never thought that all the insight that I would have on my life would give me the tools to make myself better. Everyday is difficult to get through without having a craving. Without having any friends to talk with me. I have been reading some of the posts saying that these people are lonely. There are so many people in the world. Why should we be lonely? But I also feel lonely sometimes. I’m left days at a time in a house with two cats, my snake and two fish. No one there to tell my weird ass dreams to or to hug me when I wake up. During those days my depression and cravings go haywire. I start looking around trying to find some sort of high or buzz. Though, I have learned that drugs aren’t my life anymore, so I call my mom, I tell her what I’m feeling. For a long long I been able to talk with my mom. Also I didn’t talk to God. Believing in him has given me such a calm feeling. Whenever I pray and actually believe that its helping then I start thinking of activities to do. I knit, read, cook, eat cake batter, take a shower, play with the horses, do chores, find a sport. I am so grateful for my Aunt and Uncle for taking me in. I’m grateful for my grandmother for finding all the vaping products and empty alcohol bottles. I most grateful for God taking me back even if the people I hurt will not.