Today was long and weird. I haven’t snapped out of my depressive episode yet. Sometimes I get angry because people don’t take my sadness seriously. But then I lose all the anger and I just feel so tired. I felt about a million things today but now that I have the energy to write they’re all out of my grasp. I don’t remember what it was that was upsetting me so much earlier.

That guy I need to get over keeps talking about another girl. This isn’t the first time but it sucks because I feel more vulnerable than ever. In my early twenties I’ve been really trying to work on myself. To get out of the cycle of avoiding my feelings and never dealing with them. But mostly that just means sitting with them and that sucks. So I guess if I’m going to process these the only way is through. I guess I would say I’m experiencing a mix of jealousy and envy. There’s a part of me that’s still possessive over him and another than knows he didn’t and doesn’t belong to me, but wishes that he did.

She sounds awesome. The fact is most of the women he meets do. They’re smart or salsa dancers or speak a bunch of different languages. Women are really cool. Well, they’re people so they’re varied and amazing and surprising. I’m not sure how my brain works. Part of me doesn’t want women to look his way because I want him, while another part of my brain feels that he doesn’t deserve the women. I think maybe I’m not exactly complex, just dumb and contradictory.

Being queer probably has something to do with it. I wonder if other people have experienced that feeling. This feeling of wanting to be with someone while also wanting to be them. Am I crazy? That sounded crazy. I just mean sometimes he’ll tell me about the girls and I’ll be like wow I wish he thought of me like that. Then others he’ll talk to me about a girl and I’ll be like damn … I wish the girl liked me the way she likes him.

What is it about ladies being so complex and having so much depth and then dudes just … giving the minimum amount of effort but having women lining up around the block. I’m being too harsh really, I think I’m just bitter. Sometimes I think I envy him for being him. I wish that I could lead a life that he leads.

I want to go to college. I want to date women. I want to party with friends. I want to be confident about the way I look. I want to have confidence in my own intelligence. I want to be borderline arrogant. I want to enjoy things and have no mental illnesses. I want to complain about shit like only getting laid once in a while and having to pay for a girls dinner while we’re on a date.

He’s everything that I wish I was.

But maybe I’m just full of shit. God I wish I knew my own mind so it wouldn’t be so much of a guessing game. Anyway, I want to get more into the spiritual. I don’t know what that means really, it’s to do with my relationship with God but I don’t really know what that looks like. I don’t think I’ll be especially religious once I figure my own identity out. I wish I could talk to other people who have lost religion and see what they’ve done as far as connecting to the spiritual.

On a connected topic, although not in a way I know how to articulate, I was thinking about women. I saw a post on IG by a person who recently came out as a trans woman. I was looking at the pictures she posted and they were beautiful. 1. The fashion was out of this world. 2. There was something about her features that were heavenly. I saw her wide jaw, her body hair, and it made me want to cry because I saw myself in it. Sometimes I mourn the way my body looks and I talk down to myself because I feel that I’m not beautiful enough. Not feminine enough. But this gorgeous woman was before me and she looked like me and she was so FEMININE. Trans women are women, and I look like women.

I was also thinking about what having a relationship with a woman might be like. I think I would really like that but at the same time so much is going on in my head atm that it’s foggy. I can’t imagine a relationship with a man or woman. That’s kind of a funny reality of being someone considered unattractive. It’s such BS that it has no impact on your life because it very much does. One of those is having no clue what real and healthy relationships look like. But that doesn’t mean no one will ever love me, if I’m lucky it just means that it might take me a little longer to find someone. But I can wait, I’m a very patient person.

Today I watched a series of videos where couples were interviewing each other on their relationships. Some were really sad and others very sweet. But I saw two in particular that involved women who had been through sexual assault. I cried my little eyes out. One expressed her difficulty in having pleasure, whether it be general or physical. Another woman spoke about her journey to heal from the events and how it inspired her to protect other women. What struck me from those videos was the deep and sincere understanding of their partners. It made me feel like there is a possibility that I will find someone too. That I will be able to say to someone, once upon a time someone harmed me in a way that is almost irreparable. But I am trying my best to heal. Can you be here with me while I do? Can you wait for me while I do? And there’s a chance that the answer to that will be yes.

Sometimes I think love is one of the only things that makes life worth it. I think maybe that love could come from another woman. For now it can come from myself. That love is God. And God is love. And women are love. And God is a woman. And I want to worship her. I don’t know what I’m saying but I hope writing all this down will help. Maybe one day I can decipher all the things I don’t know how to say.

Maybe all I mean is that I can get over him even if it hurts when he tells me about all the beautiful funny charming women he meets. That maybe I can grow into one of those women too. And if I get lucky enough, maybe I’ll find one of my own. I hope things get better. I really do.


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