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I am finally seeing a regular therapist. I mentioned recently that I went through a really terrible intake process with the intake specialist that I saw, but my actual counselor seems WAY nicer. He’s funny and he doesn’t talk to me like I’m a sad, pitiful little person that needs coddling. Nothing seemed to surprise him, and that’s a relief. I hate talking to someone about my life and being made to feel like an oddity because of it. I’m a little intimidated that he wants to see me every week, but if I’m being honest with myself, I probably need it.
My mental health doesn’t always behave in the same patterns. In the past, it’s gotten dangerous when my depression hangs around and grows from a slow burn to this big terrible fire over time. It gets out of control without me even noticing it. BUT, lately, it’s been that I will be totally fine, feeling positive, and only hours later I’ll be crying in bed thinking about how I want to call work, quit, and walk off my balcony. It happens SO SUDDENLY, it’s just as dangerous as the depression that builds up and sticks around. It’s so erratic. It makes me afraid of myself. 
My sister’s friend committed suicide several years ago, and a friend of mine committed suicide a few years ago as well. It’s so difficult to never have answers- it’s something that haunts the victim’s loved ones for the rest of their lives. One of the things I wonder the most is whether they planned it out over time, or did it happen during an erratic, sudden wave of depression? If that was the case, would they have felt better the next day if they hadn’t done it? Would they have contacted a friend or family member if they’d just hung on a little longer? I don’t want the people in my life to have to wonder those things about me, so I guess that’s why I’m getting help. I want to learn how to gain back control of my mind in these scary moments where it feels like I’m not in control of anything.
I also have a problem that I would love some input on, and I’m absolutely certain I’m not the only person who’s had this issue. Yesterday I got REALLY depressed suddenly because I feel as if I don’t have a place in the world or the future. I don’t know where I belong and where I can make a difference or what I’m supposed to be doing with my life. The dreams that I had before turned out not to be the correct path for me and now I’m just left in this big empty space with no path. What should I be doing to set goals for myself? I feel like I forgot how and like I’m losing sight of who I am.
3 Comments
  1. bridgie101 4 years ago

    sometimes you have to stop and smell the roses. You don’t want to be running so hard you trip over your own feet.

    I guess what I mean by that is that it’s time for you to unravel. you have a counsellor who is there to tease apart this tangled ball of wool that is your history and your soul. don’t throw the future into the mix as well! Yanno? 😀 Just keep this simple, take your life as it comes and give yourself the next six months or more (took me longer than that and one visit a week is definitely helpful) to detangle your history and your past.

    What I found with therapy was that things would happen in the now that would upset me, and trigger things from my past. Which we would then talk about and uncover new angles. my counsellor was absolutely amazing, and was happy to take the world from a position of me being a human being, with problems and a history; not me being a case study.

    He could come up with reasons and ideas I had never thought about, which allowed my triggers and little hidden mines to defuse and disappear. He cleared my emotional minefield. Well, I did most of the work… I was committed to clearing it myself, so that my future could begin.

    I don’t think your future can really begin till you’ve put your past to bed. So don’t worry about the future. When you are all clean and clear you will be able to start having positive, interested, brave views on what you would like to do with it. But right now any plans you make will probably be distorted by the pain you are in.

    xx. all the best! You go girl. You’re doing great. 🙂

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  2. elf 4 years ago

    Good advice and perspective from the other comments. I would add: volunteer somewhere. You get purpose in helping others. No matter how small or how insignificant it may seem, it is important to someone. The smallest acts of kindness go a long way. (Help someone put their groceries in their car). Even if you only volunteer once a month it will help you. Good luck on your journey. I know ho hard it is to start out with a new provider. Glad you got past the intake person and stuck with it.

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  3. sublimetorch 4 years ago

    To figure out a path for the future, it all starts with figuring out who you are in terms of your core personality, preferences (likes and dislikes), strengths, undeveloped talents, and weaknesses.

    You mentioned that “The dreams that I had before turned out not to be the correct path for me” and “I feel like I forgot how and like I’m losing sight of who I am”, which shows that you have some sense of who you are. Pursue this line of inquiry into who you are as far as possible until you feel completely clear about yourself.

    Once you have that all figured out, figuring out a path is relatively straightforward. I found that the best path is one that aligns the closest with who you are, uses all of your strengths/talents, and doesn’t require any of your weaknesses. The path should be an expression of who you are. If it’s the right path then the process of simply walking that path will give you happiness, not you’ll be happy only once you reach the destination.

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