I've been in love with a guy for 4 years now (since 7th grade) and he has loved me since then too.However, we were going to date last year and he wanted to wait until we had seen each other to be official. Well things were going great and we were talking and from January to May everything was okay however we had not seen each other in all that time. In June we started fighting and he stopped talking to me randomly sometimes or wouldn't talk at all and I felt shut out and unwanted and like he didn't love me and I slipped into my depression once again. Everything was my fault. if I didn't blame myself and apologize and do something to make up for whatever he was mad about he stayed mad and wouldn't talk. In August I broke up with him.. One of the hardest things I've done. in September I started dating this guy and..well.. he took my virginity and that happened the third day we were going out. I was so desperate to feel some sort of affection from someone because I had never had even a kiss from a guy and my family doesn't give any affection at home.. i hug my mom maybe 3 times a year to be honest. So I eneded up making that foolish mistake. He was the school manw**** and he talked about every girl he had sex with and there was a lot and that's all he ever talked about…when we started talking he was sweet and he talked differently to me. I thought it was a side of him that I just didn't know and maybe I was special enough to bring it out. So I trusted him. Something I don't do with people. And as soon as we had sex people started talking about it and it was going around the school and he swore that he hadn't told anyone…he swore that he loved me and would never do that and he said he was falling in love with me and it was just that we couldn't trust anybody. And I believed him because he said it so perfectly… So I stopped trusting everyone. I stopped talking to everyone and all I did was trust him and make time for him. And it still wasn't enough. He would blame me for everything and tell me I didn't do enough or give him enough and that I was a liar and if I didn't ask him first to do something and made plans with someone else he would get angry. There was one instance in the school hallway where he said "I could hurt you right now but I'm not going to". I honestly believe if our friend Esteban had not been there, because it was after school and nobody else was in the hallway, he would have hit me. And this started because I was angry at him because I saw him look at another girl in a way he shouldn't be..And he lied and made up this story how he didn't know what girl I was talking about. I started getting depressed because he was going to be moving in a month so I kind of shut down a little and he started blaming me more and more and making me feel guilty to the point where I didn't want to eat anymore so I didn't eat that much. I broke up with him because I didn't want to do long distance…And he was so angry because he said that if I loved him i'd do it. And so for two weeks we didn't really talk. I'd try to talk occassionally but he wouldn't seem like he wanted to. After two weeks I got back with him and the day I told him I would get back with him he told me that if I didn't make it better this time that he already had someone picked out and then he showed me a picture of her and he told me he'd known her since 9th grade and that they'd done things on skype that night and how she's so beautiful and perfect…i cried myself so sick. i was shaking and screaming and i couldn't take it anymore. i decided to kill myself. i couldn't take how hurt i was. so i walked to the bottom of a tower and was about to climb it but then he called. and while on the phone call he was telling me it was my fault and that i deserved to be hurt like that because i had hurt him and how this was all my fault and i set myself up for that… "it's nobody's fault but yours" he said. and i believed him. he said that i wouldn't prove anything killing myself over a guy and how he's had girls do this before so he's used to it and he said that i needed to go home and the whole time he's also carrying on a conversation with the friend he's with asking how he thinks the other girl's mom would react to him and if she would like him AND he was texting her at the same time…we got back together and he manipulated me into doing so many things by using her and saying she would have done it and if i loved him i would do it…so i did them. because all i wanted was to be wanted and loved. and i was afraid to be alone because i was still so hurt over losing the guy i had loved for 4 years. (his name is Ian)..i couldn't take being with the guy who manipulated me so I just broke up with him. And Ian and I started talking and we are currently dating..but it seems like if i don't blame myself or be the one at fault or apologize that he will stay mad. and we are fighting. and there was an instance where he slept over at a friend's and these two girls ended up sleeping over but he said because they weren't there for him he shouldn't have to let me know and he said that by me saying he should let me know if he's having sleepovers where girls are going to be there it's obsessive and how he doesn't work like that. but if i don't do something it means i don't love him but if he doens't do something and i get mad he gets mad and i have to apologize and stop asking… and this is the time when i think i should just kill myself. there are other things that have happened that i've yet to talk about. i'm slowly telling my story by telling the less private things first and then progressively getting further into my life…but this is one of the things that make me want to kill myself. i feel used. i feel like a whore. i feel manipulated and betrayed. and i feel like someone who has loved me for 4 years is just turning out the same as the guy who already manipulated me…and if that's what love is then…what am i doing. i can't break up with this guy because i need him and if i break up with him i feel like i'll kill myself but at the same time i feel like i should kill myself because i'm not what he wants…he tells me how he likes girls with red hair who wear cargo pants and all these other things and i'm not those things and i've tried to change myself to be those things…and he doesn't make me feel special or wanted or loved. he doesn't do things for me. he doesn't tell me he loves me, i always have to say it or say i miss him. and i'm expected to make him feel special and loved and missed and wanted but he won't do the same…he says he isn't a sweet person and that it's not his thing and he just… if he loves me, shouldn't he want to do things that make me feel loved and that make me believe he loves me so we will stay together…so if he loves me then why doesn't he show it..why doesn't he try..i'm left in a world i don't understand and i'm cold and alone and afraid..and all i can ask is why…..why?