I am stuck in a rut. My life has just been so unbearable the last couple of years. I do not even know who I am anymore. I do not know what I want or what I even stand for. I find myself wanting to make a change all the time, but lack the motivation to actually get up and do something about it. I have been smoking pot for about 6-7 years now and don’t know if this has contributed to my lack of motivation. When I first started smoking I was a completely different person physically and emotionally and weed helped me to express myself, helped with the pain of my TMJ and helped tremendously with stress and feeling insecure. Now, I am fat and unhappy and narcissistic and generally unpleasant to be around. I am a college drop out and have gained about 75lbs. I was dumped by my boyfriend of five years… and by dumped I mean walked out on without so much as a word… left in a house we rented together, stuck with bills we paid together.. I lost my job a few months after that for not being able to count cash correctly. My whole life seems to be tearing at the seams. I have moved back into my parent’s house and live everyday just to be able to come home and go to bed. It is certainly no kind of life I want to be living. I have a history of attempted suicides and I am proud to say I am not feeling suicidal anymore. I understand why I did what I did in the past and have thankfully grown up from that selfish and immature person and know that suicide is not the way out. I know what steps I have to take for a better life and I am simply not taking those steps. It seems pathetic and childish to complain about something and then not be willing to change it. It’s not even that I am not willing, I just simply don’t care. I don’t have any motivation.. That’s not true either… I have an awesome dog that saved my life when I was so depressed I could not even see straight. I have an amazing niece that fills my heart with so much joy. I have the most supportive family that would go to the ends of the earth to see me smile again. So why am I like this? Why I am sitting here pitying myself? Why am I not going to the gym whose membership dues I have been paying for over a year? Why aren’t I doing anything to fix my life? I am about to quit smoking so I can find a job without having to worry about passing a drug test. I am worried because smoking has been such a big part of my life for almost a decade now. I know weaker people then I have succeeded in this challenge and I know that while it may be awful, I can do it too. I am interested to see what else changes when I stop smoking. I have been on a slew of medications for my depression, anxiety and pain and now have lost my health insurance and do not know what I will do to pay for my prescriptions. I could always stop taking them but that is so risky. I have needed them for years and nothing has changed. I applied for health insurance through the marketplace and do not make enough money for anything but Medicaid, and now DHS wants to know everything about me. I just want something to be simple. I want something to go my way for once, as a sign of good faith. Is that really too much to ask?

1 Comment
  1. pattysparkles 6 years ago

    Thanks so much for the kind words

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