Another weekend down the drain.  And what do I have to show for it?  I had a good day yesterday.  I made it through the NAMI walk a thon, then helped count the money.  I found myself having a hard time concentrating during the counting, but I managed to make it to the end.  Then our friends came over last night.

Normally, these friends really seem to cheer me up.  We play games, eat and laugh and all seems good.  But, last night I just couldn’t get there.  I couldn’t get past this awfulness that I am feeling.  I was happy when they left and I could go to bed.  I really want this awfulness to end.  I want to feel better.  I am tired of going through an entire weekend and still not feeling rested or happy. 

In 2 weeks I will be on the beautiful beach, and I can’t wait until that gets here.  i think back to two years ago and how that seemed to energize me.  I am hoping that some time off – really off work, no phones, no email, nothing – will help me find my center again.  I don’t want to feel this way anymore.  I just want to feel better – for good.  No more of this, feeling good for a day, then feeling bad for a week.

I keep thinking that talking to someone about how I feel will make me feel better – but it doesn’t.  I have tried a therapist – they just don’t get it.  She told me that I just have to think differently.  Well, if I could, don’t you think that I would.  For my kids sake as well as my own.  The problem that I need to figure out is why I can’t feel better.  It is May and that is when Aunt Mary’s birthday is.  I always feel bad around this time.  I miss her very much and wish that she was here for me and the kids.  Why does getting over this awful illness have to feel so bad ?  Why can’t I just move on with my life and be happy?