I’m not sure exactly what to write about right now, I just know I need to write something. Today has been the worst day of my whole illness, with the most frightening psychosis imaginable, feeling like I’m disappearing and hearing frightening voices, seeing dark shadows in everything. I swear the sun isn’t illuminating things properly- I asked my husband if he thought the sun wasn’t lighting up the world properly, and he said no, it looks normal to him. I absolutely can’t believe it; it looks so horrible to me. Seriously, the sun itself is too bright, but everything in the world is dark, like the sun isn’t the sun, but a bright spotlight only illuminating small parts of the world at a time. I am full of despair because of this.
I feel like my whole life is shrouded in darkness, it’s like my eyes don’t work right anymore. Maybe I am going blind. It’s entirely possible, or maybe I have cataracts. It just looks like everything is dark and distorted, with dark shadows in and around everything. I’m looking at my husband right now and all I can see are the dark shadows on his t-shirt. I can’t believe this is happening to me. Even this screen doesn’t look right to my eyes. Everything feels like it’s disappearing! I hate this. It used to only happen in the afternoons, and only every now and again, but now it’s bloody all day and just getting worse and worse. It used to be that when my husband came home, the psychosis would go away, but no longer. Now it’s terrible all the time whether he is here or not. Of course it’s worse when he isn’t here, but it shouldn’t be this bad when he IS here, either.
I just want a little relief from this terrible feeling! Why is that so much to ask for? I need help and I’m not getting it. My medication doesn’t do much for me, and therapy doesn’t help either. What I need is Jesus and I can’t find Him! I went to Mass yesterday and took Holy Communion, but I still could not find Jesus in anything, His presence eludes me still. It’s beyond frustrating. I really don’t know what to do anymore! I’ve spent most of today on the bed, terrified out of my mind, laying here, feeling like I’m disintegrating, not sure what to do, barely breathing, suffering intensely. If this is schizophrenia, I want no part of it. The only things I was able to do today was to make breakfast and coffee, and do the dishes after lunch. My husband made lunch today. I don’t feel like I’ll be able to make dinner. It feels like we just ate anyway. This whole day has been a blur. I really don’t know what to do anymore. I want a cup of oolong tea, let me go get one. Ok, my oolong is steeping.
As I was saying, I really don’t know what to do anymore. I can’t get rid of this awful feeling no matter how hard I try. It is so frustrating, I can’t even begin to tell you. I’m still scared out of my mind, still am barely breathing, still feel like I’m disintegrating, still shrouded in darkness. I really don’t know what to do! I ask my husband for help and all I get is kind words and a hug. That’s lovely, and all, but it doesn’t fix what’s wrong with me. Only Jesus can do that, and I can’t find Him. My husband told me yesterday that the Good Lord is always with me. Well, if that were true, I wouldn’t be going through all of this. There is nowhere I can turn to for help. I pray, and pray, and pray, and pray, and nothing gets any better! I’m to the point where I can’t take it anymore, but there is no relief anywhere to be found. I need Jesus, that’s all this boils down to, and I’m freaking out because I can’t find Him! I prayed the rosary this afternoon, and nothing got any better. The bad voice is telling me that I’m in hell, and that’s why Jesus isn’t coming to save me, and that’s why things just keep getting worse. I don’t want to believe the bad voice, but I’m losing my ability to be ok really fast, and I don’t know what else to do. I take my medications, I eat well, I drink tea all day, I attend therapy, I exercise. What else could there possibly be to do, to try to make myself feel better? I’m at my wit’s end with all of this.
And the stupid orange cones. I don’t understand why there have to be orange cones bloody everywhere! There were three of them outside the church yesterday! There are at least twenty orange cones out in the hills that I regularly see, for no good reason. They’re just sitting there! I’m so sick of them! The bad voice tells me I see the orange cones everywhere to remind me that I’m not safe. The bad voice is telling me that I was safe, a long time ago, and that I’m not safe now. Unfortunately, that lines up with how terrible I feel, and the fact that I really don’t feel safe at all. I don’t feel safe and secure no matter where I am, whether I am out and about or at home. It’s all the same crappy feeling, the same fear, the same disappearing. I can’t take it anymore, I really can’t. Something has to help me.