Empty pizza boxes, and ash trays that need to be emptied…  a series wrappers, and other trash-bound items presently decorate my coffee table.  I really hate it, when the mess outside starts to reflect the chaos inside.  Because, then, this place just reinforces my disordered feelings.  It’ll be easier to keep the place tidy once the withdrawal is over – I did extend things a bit with my little relapse on Thursday.  But, luckily, I didn’t lose all my momentum 

Withdrawal just doesn’t seem to want to leave me in peace.

Certainly, I’m not as sick as I could be.  I’m not writhing in pain, feeling like my stomach acid is about to burn through my stomach.  I do have a head ache – a dull, sprawling, ache.  My whole head…  hell it reaches across my neck, into my back.  So achy…  what I wouldn’t give for a fucking massage.  Oh well…  a hot shower might help.

Things are pretty much the same with Charlie.  He’s been kicking, too, so, we’re both in a sickly state.  We get along fine.  We’re friendly, and caring, and all that good garbage, but that’s all.  Whatever…  I haven’t been letting myself focus on that much, lately.  I’m not pursuing his affections.  And, I’m not going to drive myself crazy over it.  I’m not sure exactly when I stopped fixating on that – time kind of blurs on me, especially wiith what I’ve had going on, lately.

A person does need something to hang onto…  to pull through something like this.  But, what we manage to hold onto – it can be something completely different than we ever expected

Maybe, once I’ve got the kick totally out of my system, maybe then…  I’ll be a to see more than a day ahead without freaking out.  Right now – everything seems so big, and terrifying.  (The way the sky seemed to way too big to deal with when I was on acid, some years back.) 

Okay…  not everything seems terrifying.  I have some amazing friends.  Too small a group, at this point, but the people in it are A+.  Ace and Bob have have been helping me a lot .  I worry about putting too much on Ace, and I just plain worry about my lovely lady friend, Bob.  (Bob, if you’re reading this – get in touch when you can.  Use the phone if you need to – that’s why I gave you the number.)  They’re both wonderful people.  Hopefully, I’ll talk to both of them today.  At night, I need to distract myself during the hours when I woiuld normally cop and use, and during the day, I have to keep myself busy, to keep my mind out of trouble.  So, now, I shower, and head out to pester Jordan at his job.  He’ll be happy to see me, and he’ll probably feed me a couple caramel brownies.  That’ll be nice.  Withdrawal makes you crave sweets, and I already have a killer sweet tooth.

Take care everyone.

1 Comment
  1. asbishop 4 years ago

    I regret to say that I can’t really offer constructive advice to help you in some way but I wish the best for you. I also really like the way you write, the way you started out this entry had me not only intrigued but I could relate even though I haven’t struggled with addiction. Again I wish you the best, you can conquer this 🙂

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