why did this have to happen tp me?

yeah it is 2:06 a m and I am up had a bad what i call flashback dream and it was so real that it woke me up.

As is sat this past holiday season and watched my kids some grown and some not, i thought to myself Thank you Lord for not having them endure the things i did as a child,, alcoholoc abusive father, mother strung out on speed all the time (but her not so much until i was about 10) I remember one day I found her stash and my dads stash of "pot" i flushed it all down the drain,, well tht caused a big i mean big argument,,,so i went to stay with my older sister in a town 7 miles away.

I was with her for about a week or so and my parents wanted me back home, well the only way I could get there was my sisters boyfriend, Geoff (pronounced Jeff) was his name, I was 13 yrs old, I had my very innocence taken from me by this guy that I thought would never hurt me, did i tell anyone? well no way he threatened my parents if i was to tell and so i kept quiet for years well then i remember when i was 15 i was taken ffrom my parents at the high school i went to because I confided in my guidance counselor that my dad had gotten laid off work and our electric got shut off, well she took it upon herself to call the state on my parents and my younger sister and i were placed in foster care.

I could have went back but i fought to stay in foster care because i was tired of dad and his abusive (physical want to make that clear he never done anything to me sexually but the mental and physaical was so bad but he did threaten to burn me my mom and my sister alive in the trailer we were living in even poured gas around the house)..so i did stay in foster care until the age of 18 when i was old enough to get out of their care.

But it seems like ALL my problems began with the rape and from then it was downhill for my life,, I never got counseling for the rape I never got counseling for not being with my parents and I have such regret for not going back home and living with them but i know i cant change that now and have to move on but when i see my parents or talk to them on the phone it is hard because they are gettin up there in age and i just feel bad that i wasnt there.

how do you move on from such tragedy and fix it in your head? By no means did I ask for it like some say about how girls dress and things because my dad would have kicked my A?? had i went out of the house the way some kids do now and just because they dress that way doesnt mean they are asking for their very own innocence to be taken.

anyway the dream i had was about the rape and woke me up in such fear i was shaking but i didnt wake hubby up he needs his rest (still recovering from his stroke) so i got on here to get it out,

maybe that is why I am so protective of my husband and my kids because i never had this kind of love and dont want my kids to ever endure what i did so yeah i am very over protective of them and i wont even leave the bus stop in the morning until i see them get on the bus, and when bus drops them off i make sure i watch them walk down our lane,,cause there are alot of crazies out there thwt hurt kids and i am living proof of that i never thought he would have done that to me thought he loved my sister.

and do you know to this day my parents dont know about the rape,, but i did tell them about the sick things my older sister had done to me and dads response was "I never want to hear that shit again and if I do I will disown you" so yeah my life has been downhill for a long time i guess

ANYWAY sorry for the long blog but had to get this out

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