If you are sensitive in anyway then don’t read this. This can be disturbing!

This is the hardest story for me to tell. I never talk about it. But I feel I have to so I can get past some issues!

I will start by telling you about when I was 16 then I am going to go back to earlier in my life.

When I was 16 I met this guy. He was black. The only reason I tell you that is because if my parents knew I was with a black man they would flip! They do not agree with interracial dating. His name was Carl. We dated for a year. Things were very serious. I lost my virginity to him. The whole year was wonderful! After a year everything changed! He became abusive. It started out as verbal abuse, then mental! He told me I was fat and as a result of that I became anorexic. Then he became physically abusive. He would hit me, choke me, kick me, scratch me, etc etc. I decided that I couldn’t deal with the physical abuse. (Why should I have dealt with any of the abuse?) So I broke it off with him. He was furious! He began to stalk me. I would see him in front of the school watching for me. He would be at the mall where I worked. I should have reported him. But I thought it would get worse, with him AND my parents. One day when I got home from school I got in the shower. When I got out and walked in my room Carl was waiting at the door. How did he get in the house? I told him to leave but he wouldn’t. He tried being sweet. Telling me how sorry he was and he would get help. But I refused. That made him angry. He pushed me on the bed. I tried to push him off but he was too strong. My skinny little body couldn’t fight him off. I was helpless. He began to choke me. And told me if I screamed he would kill me. He pulled out a gun from the back of his pants and held it to my head. He raped me as he held the gun to my head. I thought I was going to die. The pain was horrible. Then he stopped and hit me in the ribs. I began to cry. He told me to stop crying then shoved the gun into my vagina. Then he sodomized me. The pain was unbearable. I wanted him to kill me to end it all. All the pain and suffering. He finally stopped and left. I lay in my bed bleeding and in so much pain I wanted to die. After a while I managed to get up and clean myself up. I walked over to my neighbors home where one of my very close friends lived. I told him what happened. He wanted me to go to the police but I refused. I knew my mom and dad would find out what happened and I would never be able to leave the house again. I was afraid to go to the hospital. I thought they would report it to the police. So after a few days I went to my doctor. To make sure everything was ok. After the rape I never saw Carl again. He went back home. As a result of the rape I got pregnant. He found out through a friend. He called me very excited. Told me I could live with him and his mom had bought some stuff for the baby. I couldn’t believe it. I was only 10 weeks along! Fortunatly I had a miscarriage. Carl was so devastated. He killed himself shortly after the miscarriage.

After the rape happened I didn’t have sex for four years! I didn’t trust men. I still don’t trust men fully. I am trying to get past that. Actually I have a couple of new friends who are helping me in that area!

When I was 13 my uncle molested me. He would tickly me through my clothes in inappropriate areas. I didn’t say anything because he was my uncle. I actually didn’t recognize it as sexual abuse until recently. I have been doing ALOT of soul searching while going through this divorce and that was one of the things that popped up!

Why do people feel they can just alter your life like that? It changes you. At 27 I am finally working through these things. I think the biggest issues (obviously) are about sex. Anyway. I don’t know if this story was good to tell. I guess to me it is therapy. And maybe, just maybe someone else can relate or it may help them in some way!