I had a few good days…exercising regularily, showering without breakdowns, driving without breakdowns and then i noticed no one was going fast enough on the road for me and small things were annoying.  People stopping me to talk made me feel trapped and then the dam broke.  Thursday I could not sit still and wandered around talking to everyone so much so that i began to annoy myself and thought i had managed to get a handle on it.  But last night, it blossomed out in a wine induced mayhem of giggling and conversation domination that i can only describe as abusive to my friends.  They were laughing but i know i was out of control.  I dont know if the issue is i am unfamiliar with feeling good and it drives my anxiety up OR i am unfamiliar with feeling good and i dont know where the line is.  I clearly cant behave myself with or without alcohol and i shudder to think what i was like when i was self medicating with it everyday.  I feel like shit and i should.  I try to work at reflection and it makes me feel worse, i abandon it and i act out and feel terrible.  For hours i have been trying to cast aside some of this self loathing so i can make some calls and apologize and not sound like i am blaming it on being a sick person but rather a sick person who has just succommed AGAIN to some very bad behavior.   Not before i spent some quality time considering driving nails in my skull in hopes that a self performed lobotomy would at least change some behavior.  This is strange because normally i work out elaborate schemes of killing myself.  I am not sure i can consider this some kind of breaktrhough.  Suicide has always felt like my secret trump card even after a failed attempt.  Not dissimilar to the feeling of calm i have when i am hoarding a bottle of anti-anxiety medication because having access to it sometimes feels better than actually taking one.

But my friends…I have tried to behave for these people, they are new in my life and have just had to see me go though a month of sitting and staring in the dark and in too many tears for anyone to deal with.

This is good enough to send me right off the deep end.  I have just noticed a cat whisker — these, in my twisted mind, are good luck so i have just had a flash that finding it means everything will be ok.  Maybe i was better as a shut in.  At least no one had to be aware of the foolishness that drives me.  I sincerely hate who i am right now.


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