I’m 35 married for 17 years on a go with the flow relationship From the beginning. I was a shut out & still am but I’m going back to the beginning before I met my husband. I was always in my room talking to pictures & just enjoying my own company. It wasn’t until I graduated I realized that I didn’t get the help I should have gotten from my parents or my school. It’s not all my my parents fault tho. When my mom was 16 when she was forced to marry a 20 year old back in the 60s she has 3 kids with him he beat her so much I will never know the extent to what he did to her. All I know is that he tried to kill them & my mom who’s now in her 60s still needs surgery. My dad had a different story grew up on a farm rich but super greedy family his dad a POW and for his mom she didn’t really seem to be there. When I graduated from high School I had a mentor waiting for me at the college but I decided to blow it off for a year and be free. I wasted that year like I did many years up in my room. My mom didn’t want me to waste anymore of my life so my always evil sister told my mom she’s going to hook me up with her husband’s best friend. I had no interest at all but my mom literally pulled me out of my room and locked it behind me. So I went on that blind date & after it was over my mom wouldn’t let it up about going on a second date so I actually invited him to my birthday party. I kept seeing him so I wouldn’t be a burden to her anymore I moved in with him within a week after dating him so my mom could live her life. I really wish I would have just gone to college instead of taking the year off. For years I thought maybe this was my destination maybe he is my soulmate but after a while his darkness came out and has me lost. We had 3 children together lost our first two twins 7 years ago due to my stressful situation at the time. Thankful that I was able to have another that God let me keep. I really tried to be that model wife men die for but I realize that 17 years and we can’t be partners. I don’t like living like this with constant worry of his really dark side coming to swallow me up & kill me. I fear of having friends because of his reactions to when I do. I have been trying so hard to fall in love with him like I did at one point but he’s so careless about who I am saying I don’t have a fear of life outside my house and I’m just using it as an excuse to not work. I honestly would have a life if he let me have my own car back.