I am really struggling with perfectionism. My parents may be getting a divorce, which is unorthodox in our church, and I feel responsible for my baby sister. She\’s the one who gets left behind, so I wait for her. I know her heart is going to get broken if this happens, and my brain says i need to protect her. It\’s my job. Sometimes it\’s so bad that i call myself stupid and a failure because i forget to do something that day or i don\’t finish something i wanted to accomplish. I just constantly berate myself and i feel like a frickin PIECE OF GARBAGE, do you know what I mean? I am such a piece of garbage because look, i can\’t protect my sister. I can\’t save my friend from killing herself. I can\’t rememeber people\’s birthdays. i  can\’t even stop myself from self- harming. so yeah, I\’ve been dealing with self loathing and perfectionism. I hate myself because I\’m not perfect. I think I need to be perfect to be loved. All my friends will leave me when they realize what a jerk I am. that\’s my problem.

7 Comments
  1. skyrborja13 2 months ago

    Hello and nothing in life is perfect no matter how much we want it to be. You are doing everything you can by just being there, existing and for having the strength to stand by your sister side. I went through the same situation when my family found out my dad was seeing another woman for several years and it tore my family apart. My little brother began sleeping in my room to avoid listening to my parents fight every night and my sister was i going through a break up and dealing that situation and was drinking and getting high for a bit. I was the middle child and had to step up to be the rock amongst the chaos and it wasn’t easy trying to keep it together but at least I was there to just hug and give support. During those dark times I had my moments where it was just too much especially with having to see the woman my dad had an affair with daughter around school and her as well and having to get texts from my mom asking if I’d seen her everyday. Not sure how I did it otherwise I wouldn’t be here today. It’s good that your reaching out for help and always having a shoulder to lean on for yourself is a big step towards recovery. Just know that we aren’t failures, we’re still here existing giving it all we got and that’s enough. We are all here for you so don’t be afraid to reach out.

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    • Author
      aquazium 2 months ago

      Thank you, I cried when I read this. Thank you for sharing your story. I’m so sorry that happened. I can imagine how hard that would be. We don’t do any drugs or drink alcohol or coffee, as part of our religion, but I think that would be so so rough to have to deal with that as well. I’m not sure how I’m still here either, I know this support group has helped a lot. I also think God has given me the strength to somehow get through. Somehow. Thanks for the support, I really need it. I guess something that has caused a lot of anxiety recently is that there’s this guy I’ve been talking to that I like a lot, and his parents are divorced and he’s been helping me through this mess. We haven’t really been in touch recently, though, and I’m just so, so scared that when my mom leaves(I know she will, though she’ll probably come back) that he won’t be there and I’ll just crash and break and no one will be able to keep me together and then my family will fall apart. I think that’s something that’s really been bothering me recently, though I keep trying to tell myself that I’ll be okay. Did you deal with that?

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  2. treegirl213 2 months ago

    Hey, would you like to be friends? I want to help you, since I have, and still kind of am, going through something similar.
    I don’t know how to add you as a friend, but if you want, you can send me a request.

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  3. lecourage 2 months ago

    I am sorry, you are feeling that everything is up to you to fix and be perfect. I know the feeling and try to repeat to myself that I am not the general manager of the world. Be kind to yourself as you are being to your sister. Let yourself grieve the break up of your family. You are suffering too.

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    • Author
      aquazium 2 months ago

      Thank you for that. Good reminder to let myself feel it and not be so hard on myself. I will try to keep doing that. Thanks for the support!

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  4. Author
    aquazium 2 months ago

    Thank you thank you thank you everyone, you guys made me cry. I was so surprised to find so much support here, thank you for being here for me. I really need it.

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