As I’m thinking about what could have changed in my life over the last year that may have triggered a relapse of depression, I am uncovering tiny pieces of the puzzle. Here’s one:
One of the most hurtful things my husband has ever said to
me is that our son – who suffers ADD and anxiety disorder – is “like this
because of [me].” “Like this,” from my husband’s perspective, refers to our son
being disorganized, inattentive, independent to the point of defiance and generally difficult.
Yes, it would be MUCH easier if, at 9, he could get up and dress himself, brush his teeth without a fit, etc. But he does not. And since hubby isn’t there in the mornings, I pick my battles. Sometimes the teeth get brushed… more often, the boy chews Orbit or uses one of those disposable toothbrush/breath freshner things. But he’s always dressed and, more days than not, gets to school without food in his teeth or an open fly.
My son can be a mess, as can I. But he’s also a wonderful little person. He has a huge heart that is full of compassion and love, but gets easily wounded. He loves animals and nature, but is scared of people. He has a wicked sense of humor that can break through anyone’s bad day. He’s brave enough to question rules and authority, but smart enough to stay out of trouble (most days). He has the makings of a wonderful little leader. And it breaks my heart that his idol is his father, who has such a hard time seeing past the flaws to find
the good parts of our son. It also breaks my heart that, most of the time, his father would rather play videogames than have a conversation with his own son. He keeps saying his dad never spent much time with him and he “turned out fine.” I always disagree, but it falls on deaf ears.
My mother was imperfect and neglectful. She was often too ill with her own issues to care for me. But I never once thought I was unloved. My son frequently asks me why his dad doesn’t love him. My husband is quick to tell our son he does love him, he’s just tired and needs alone time, etc. But actions speak volumes.
This leads to a whole Pandora’s Box of other issues, like me not doing schoolwork so I can spend time with our son… me worrying about our son to the point of distraction… So anyway, puzzle piece number 1 has been identified.