Alright, I have a lot going through my mind right now so I’ll have to split this up into two blogs so maybe someone will read at least one of them.
Let’s see, what’s first…oh, my mind is totally slipping. When my brother talks to me…hell, when almost anyone talks to me, I space out. Every so often, I feel my mind drift off but if I’m talking to someone important, I jerk it back on track.
I can’t remember anything except for moments, happy ones, painful ones. Facts? Forget about it.
I screw up names. I work with four women, two are named Sandy and Sally. I know which is which…but I still screw up their names. If someone calls and asks for one of them, I can’t quickly distinguish between the two. Did they say Sandy or Sally? I forget…
I can’t always understand people. A few days ago, a woman walked by and said, "I’m getting…" and that’s all I caught. I had to ask her what she had gotten when she came back by. She responded, "Calculator tape." I hear people talking but I don’t always hear words. It’s even worse on the phone but really not much better in person.
I have trouble reading and doing math. I obsessively read the same sentences or paragraphs over and over until I feel okay. If I force myself forward, I fear that I missed something or misunderstood a part or didn’t take in all the details and it causes me anxiety. When I do math, I always have to double check my answers. Hell, sometimes I even check them three or four times, even when using a calculator because I fear that I may have punched a wrong button and gotten a wrong answer. I do this even with problems as easy as ten times ten. I never did that before though so it’s not like I’m just bad at math, this started when I was, hmm…a Freshman in college? Second semester?
I do the same sort of thing when packing up my bookbag. I check my stuff over a dozen times by going through my daily routine. "Okay, I’m getting on the bus…I need my iPod…check. I need to write in class…notebook? Check. Two pens and two pencils? Check. I need to check my answers, calculator? Check. I need to eat, have my ID? Check." I go over this in my head 3 or 4 times before actually leaving my room and do the same thing on the bus a few more times for good measure.
ADD or no? What if I’m losing my hearing instead? What if the other stuff is just anxiety related? Or what if I’m just a bit of a perfectionist? How do you even know?