I’ve not had a good week. I just ended it with the guy that I was dating. We weren’t dating very long but it was too much for me. I really liked him, I think. But, I couldn’t handle it – it was just too much pressure. So, I sabotaged it – I pushed him away. I have a hard time letting anyone get too close to me anymore b/c I’m so terrified of being hurt. So, I get nervous and I give them reasons to end it. It’s a horrible way to be. But, this time, I don’t know what his deal was. I think that he was ready to have it end as well as i think that he was becoming frustrated with me. But, the look on his face when I told him to leave was one of surprise. It didn’t help that it was his birthday either. I feel really bad about that. I mean, what kind of person am I that breaks it off with someone on their birthday. I had just made him dinner and dessert. So mad at myself for doing that. But, I don’t know why he couldn’t have broken up with me over the weekend. I gave him so many opportunities. But, he just wouldn’t take them.
So, after he left, I immediately went and bought a pack of cigarettes ( I had just quit for 3 weeks ) and then called a couple of my girlfriends who had to talk me done from the ledge.
My ex did a number on me and I don’t know if that’s why I can’t commit or if it’s something that goes back further. Whatever it is, it’s a horrible way to be. B/c I hurt myself along with it. I really liked this guy, but I wouldn’t give it a chance. So, instead. I’m back to smoking a pack a day.
I’m hoping to quit this weekend though and start working out again. I really do like to work out and my gym has a kickboxing class that I think would help me get out some of this anger.
I’m just so confused. I don’t know how to get to a point where I really like myself. Where does the self hatred end? When does the fear of rejection stop? I’m not getting any younger here