I WANT TO CONTINUE TO ILLUSTRATE MY FEELINGSOF DEPRESSION; IT FEELS EXTREMELY THERAPUTIC TO GET IT OUT ON PAPER!!!

It was an entire year I didn’t get to date any girls and I was in total anxiety. I didn’t know what was going to come from second to second. It felt unstable and very fearful of what’s next. Time didn’t seem to move it just sat there in stuckness. I couldn’t concentrate at all, and I felt a sense of dumbness. I felt I was on a conveyer belt going in reverse of what I was physically and bodily doing. My entire life felt it was going in reverse or maybe not moving at all. Everything was stuck, even when engaged in a conversation or any other activity, it was just on the surface, but underneath the conversation my mind was feeling a deep sense of stuckness… In addition it was feeling fear , fear, fear …. anger, rebelliousness, cynicism, incompetent , and distrust.I wasn’t interested in anything. I had no income so I was totally dependent on my parents, which reinforced the depression. The only part time I had some sort of relief was taking a long walk. Nobody seemed to get what I was suffering with. I was constantly having panic attacks, I think it was a whole year of an underlining panicky feelings, I felt I was going crazy or better said I was crazy. I felt horrible when facing strangers. I felt totally disconnected from the universe. This was a huge misery to feel so disconnected from everything. Even when doing an activity of connectedness it was just my body doing it not myself. My soul was in total disconnect from my body. Eating was disgusting for me, I felt ashamed to eat and had zero appetite. I felt crazy when putting food into my mouth. I lost 30 pounds and became very frail. Every minute of the day felt like an hour that was never going to end. I wasn’t sure what to do with it. Sleeping was not a cure. It felt like I need to put my body to sleep but I was in a different anxious world. Studying was just a bother and a struggle.

ELI