Almost 3 weeks since my fiance went away for work, i should be used to this by now but i must admit im really getting tired of this situation. I guess its one of the reasons why i still am having second thoughts of getting married this year.He mailed me last night telling me their going to port in thailand and they were given a 2 days liberty. I know he needed the liberty but i cant help but worry all the time hes on port, with his past and with all the shit he has put me through and all the things ive done to save our relationship.Its been a while since he got last deployed but with his job right now im gonna have to endure the long deployments and the headaches of worrying whenever they go to port somewhere. This year its his second time going to port in thailand, im not typically a jealous person but with his past i know he has hes weakness. Even though hes assuring me hes not gonna do something
stupid or something to ruin our relationship, i still feel worried.
The last time he was in thailand a few months ago, he got a
3 days liberty and in those 3 days i never got any mail from
him until he was back on the ship. Hes excuse was theres no
internet connection blah blah in his hotel room and he got
busy going around sightseeing with his coworkers.Although i
got so upset i didnt fuss about it and gave him the benefit of
the doubt. When he got back home i saw a thai girls phone number in his bag pocket when i was cleaning it and i noticed he got a new tattoo,it was done so bad he didnt want to show it to me.I asked him where he got it and he said he got it in a bar when he got so drunk and he said there was a tattoo artist that happened to be there. I didnt want to argue so i shrugged it off and told him he was stupid and asked him what else did he do when he got so drunk. He got mad and told me he didnt do anything and he actually shared a hotel room with a coworker coz the hotels in thailand are expensive. You see ive been to thailand so many times, been
there for bussiness trips and pleasure, im not stupid to not
know that everything in thailand are cheap and when i say
everything,i mean everything! and he seem to forget that ive
been there.I also noticed that after he was there he seem to take interest in thai girls now, ive catched him looking on the internet for it.And now hes back there again and i told him im
worried but he assured me not to and to trust him. He has 2
days but he said he can only go on port for a day coz he got
duty the next day, but i know him so well, i know when hes
lying and im sure that im not gonna get mails from him for the next 2 days hes on port.I wanted soooo bad to trust him! He knows its hes fault that i dont and i really really want to coz im tired worrying, i hate reminding him everytime he go to port somewhere. But i cant help it! and its stressing me out. I dont know if i should just trust and accept that this is gonna be my life especially after we got married, and just deal with his going to ports and be deaf and blind. Some of my navy spouses friends are telling me”what you dont know wont hurt you” and some are telling me” if u cant beat them join them” , and they are not helping at all coz i dont want to live a married life like that, but deep inside i know that if i chose this life then im gonna have to learn to accept everything unless i chose not too. Im so worried and confused. What if hes lying? what if hes just assuring me he wont betray me bcoz he wanted me to shut up, what would he bring home next time he got back??Am i just paranoid??