I came back here because right now, my Anxiety is WORSE than my depression. It's crippling. I am so anxious and panicky that I don't even have time to feel depressed. The sadness is muted by the crazy panic attacks I'm having.

I wake up in the middle of the night and as soon as I am awake enough, I sweat and start panicking. During the day it zaps my energy and makes me too tired to do anything. The only time the awful anxiety lets up is when I drink. I might be an alcoholic, but it's really difficult to tell for sure. I'm so dependant on alcohol to calm down the anxiety, that I'm not sure if I'm really dependant physically on it. I am guessing if I'm not now, I will be soon.

I need to drink just to get through the day, not even to have fun, just to relax enough to function. I'm so strung out mentally that I feel like I'm on drugs, but I'm not. I drink caffeine which doesnt' help the anxiety, but I'm trying to lose weight and I don't want to keep eating and eating which I do unless I drink coffee.

The holidays are already making me nuts and they just started. I feel very very anxious and like I either want to just hide in bed or shoot myself. I don't know what to do. I don't want to call my Dr. I don't want more meds. I barely take my anti-depressants as it is. I hate benzos, they make me feel worse. There has GOT to be something that helps other than drinking. I have tried to meditate and breathe in a way that relaxes you but all the thoughts and obsessions keep coming back and haunting me and everything freaks me out.

If it wasn't the holidays, I think it would be a lot better, but I know I would still struggle. This is not something I can really control. I don't know why I can't get something else other than benzos but even if I could I wouldn't want to take them. I guess I just have to live with this awful anxiety, I can't find a solution for it.