It seems like I set myself up for failure: illogical, irrational, and imaginary failure. Where these high expectations for myself came from is a mystery to me. All I know is that I have set this imaginary bar unattainably high. My family says I am too hard on myself, that I should be happy with giving it my all. They all seem very happy with and proud of me.
So why can't I be that way with myself?
Nothing I have ever accomplished has met my own standards. It makes my skin crawl. It leaves me restless at night. It churns my stomach. It overwhelms me.
This burden that I walk around with is heavy. It weighs on my mind, body, and soul. But this burden of mine is trivial to others, and to myself sometimes. I can never seem to shake it.
Overwhelming feelings of dread overcome me. They sometimes send me into a spiral of negativity and anxiety. Ok…fine…they often send me into them.
This dread…what is it? It is my mind. It tells me "You are not good enough…you need to be better…you are b.s.ing your way through life…you don't even try" My heart protests…"She does try! She loves and feels passion for everything that she does. She is good enough"
In the battle of heart vs. head…head always wins. My heart sinks in defeat, and I am left with these thoughts. "You are not as good as you need to be. You are letting everyone down. You are letting yourself down. You will never achieve your goals if you don't step up your game"
So I push myself harder. I work harder. I drown in my efforts.
I put on a show for others. I pretend that I am ok when in reality…I don't know what is wrong with me, but I do know that something inside is not right.