10:18 am 6/16/09 Tuesday anxietytribe blog

same horrible emptiness, feelings of desolation and despair and being overwhelmed and crushed

feeling terrified and paralyzed and wanting to escape into mindless adrenaline filled busyness

asking God to help me find the courage to be still, to face the inner terror

sadness wells up and floods me when I slow down, the sadness and mourning and grieving of all the lost opportunities i have run away from and sabotaged

i am paralyzed by all or none , black or white , perfection or despair thinking, the same kind of stinking thinking that i grew up with, i give up if I can 't be perfect and i stay stuck if i can't do it all

I ask God to help me let go of my clinging to my all or none thinking, to help me move beyond perfection or despair, Jesus' s redemption of a flawed humanity shows that God still loves us even if we're not perfect, I know this intellectually but emotionally, God's love and willingness to embrace and forgive our imperfections is hard to feel or to believe in my gut

I reflect on David's imperfection, (Second Samuel 11) how his lust led him to set up the death of a man (Uriah)  so he could possess his lust's desire (Bathsheba) and yet God forgave him. However, Davids'  son paid the ultimate price. Jesus has taken the ultimate price for our sin. I know all this but it is still hard for me to trust in God's love and forgiveness.

10:34

God, open my heart to your Holy Spirit, send me the comforter and fill me with wisdom and inner peace which I crave so that I can be freed from this inner hell of perfectionism vs. despair

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11:10 am

feeling resentment and unwillingness , feeling laziness, like I don't want to work to fight against the despair and the unwillingness, I want to sink into pool of mindless busyness

11:12 am

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2:36 pm

worked on something I was procrasinating on. but my inner critic is still not satisfied, and keeps wanting to point out all the possible catastrophes that could occur in my life which makes me feel so overwhelmed that part of me wants to give up and allow myself to be distracted by empty diversions like web surfing through erotic sites. Sexual fantasies have been one of the ways i dont' face my feelings and avoiding confronting my inner critic. 

God help me to stay focused on you even when I despair. I keep reflecting on Jesus's recitation of Psalm 22 when he is hanging on the Cross waiting to die (Matthew 27:45-46) "my God, my God why have you forsaken me?"" Eloi eloi lema sabachthani" I know that on the other side of the Cross and death is the Resurrection but that is more of an intellectual faith and something I feel it is hard to feel.  I imagine Jesus hanging there waiting to die, feeling despair and yet still praying in the midst of his dying and despair. I feel like Jesus then experience what I experience. Even though Jesus was God, i wonder if the human side of Jesus felt terrified and overwhelmed at what he was going through. Yet He still chose this path because it would save us. Help me to really feel emotionally the sense of salvation in the midst of my despair and terror. 

2:47 pm

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4:22 pm

just wasted 20 minutes surfing erotic web sites , so addictive, helps to distract from the pain of my harsh and terrifying inner critic. writing in here to help me break the spell. God, help me.

4:24 pm

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