Okay, this is kind of weird for me to type this out, but this is for my benefit and maybe it could benefit someone else, who knows? Also why does this have to be 300 words? What if you don’t have that much to say? *Anyway*
Let me just start with telling you that I have 4 children, two are twins. Needless to say, my life is a little chaotic. By a little, I mean a lot.
Here is my story:
Starting in my 20’s, I went through some mild depression, but most of it was circumstantial caused by an emotionally abusive boyfriend who ruined my self-esteem (probably indefinitely) I am now married, and my husband is the most wonderful person I’ve ever met in my life. We have been married for 3 years next week 🙂 BUT my self-esteem has gotten so bad lately, that I can not even bear to watch tv with him if there is nudity or sex scenes or even attractive women. It’s absolutely horrible. But it makes me think…. I’ve watched attractive men on tv and never once have I ever wished that I had that man or wished he was the one I was married to.. so why would I believe my husband would think that about these women? The depression is a work in progress and I’m slowly trying to build my esteem back up again.
Now to the WORST. My anxiety. This started in May 21st 2015 (yes I remember the exact date and time -5:30-)I was getting ready to take a shower, water already on and all that. Before getting in, I bent over to pick up little pieces of toilet paper and came back up and my whole world tilted. I couldn’t stand up, my entire right side collapsed. Then I threw up like I’ve never vomited before… I go to the emergency room absolutely convinced I was dying. I had CAT scan, chest X-Rays, EKG, blood work, and urine. They found nothing wrong with me, said it was just an anxiety attack, and sent me home. Ever since then, It has been a nightmare. A NIGHTMARE. I won’t go into every little detail, but I do want to go over my symptoms JUST to see if ANYONE is experiencing any of these. I’m terrified that I have gone crazy or that something is really wrong with me. (Let it be known I have gone to the dr over 6 times in the past year and have had all kinds of test and they’ve told me nothing is wrong with me)
- I feel dizzy A LOT especially if I stand in one place too long
- I have these weird brain zaps. Like it feels like a bolt of electricity through my head
- Get sudden, random shooting, stabbing pains in my head
- chest pain (both sides) Sometimes it will burn and sometimes it will turn my chest and face so cold that it’s almost hot (I can’t explain it)
- Sometimes when I’m talking to someone, it’s like I’m not there and that I’m just watching myself.
- Sometimes I feel like I have phantom limbs or something. when walking, they feel like jelly and like they’re not really moving.
- My head feeling heavy and light at the same time? like a floating balloon or something…
And sometimes it feels like I’m actually on drugs and I act weird and avoid eye contact.. I just start acting so weird. Also hard to put in words…
I’m sure there is more that I can’t think of right now, but please, if anyone reads this, please tell me if you experience ANY of this. I’m so scared and I don’t want to even think about myself going mad. I have a family and I just want to be a normal person.
Lots of Love,