Okay, this is kind of weird for me to type this out, but this is for my benefit and maybe it could benefit someone else, who knows? Also why does this have to be 300 words? What if you don’t have that much to say? *Anyway*

 

Let me just start with telling you that I have 4 children, two are twins. Needless to say, my life is a little chaotic. By a little, I mean a lot.

Here is my story: 

Starting in my 20’s, I went through some mild depression, but most of it was circumstantial caused by an emotionally abusive boyfriend who ruined my self-esteem (probably indefinitely) I am now married, and my husband is the most wonderful person I’ve ever met in my life. We have been married for 3 years next week 🙂 BUT my self-esteem has gotten so bad lately, that I can not even bear to watch tv with him if there is nudity or sex scenes or even attractive women. It’s absolutely horrible. But it makes me think…. I’ve watched attractive men on tv and never once have I ever wished that I had that man or wished he was the one I was married to.. so why would I believe my husband would think that about these women? The depression is a work in progress and I’m slowly trying to build my esteem back up again.

 

Now to the WORST. My anxiety. This started in May 21st 2015 (yes I remember the exact date and time -5:30-)I was getting ready to take a shower, water already on and all that. Before getting in, I bent over to pick up little pieces of toilet paper and came back up and my whole world tilted. I couldn’t stand up, my entire right side collapsed. Then I threw up like I’ve never vomited before…  I go to the emergency room absolutely convinced I was dying. I had CAT scan, chest X-Rays, EKG, blood work, and urine. They found nothing wrong with me, said it was just an anxiety attack, and sent me home. Ever since then, It has been a nightmare. A NIGHTMARE. I won’t go into every little detail, but I do want to go over my symptoms JUST to see if ANYONE is experiencing any of these. I’m terrified that I have gone crazy or that something is really wrong with me. (Let it be known I have gone to the dr over 6 times in the past year and have had all kinds of test and they’ve told me nothing is wrong with me)

  • I feel dizzy A LOT especially if I stand in one place too long
  • I have these weird brain zaps. Like it feels like a bolt of electricity through my head
  • Get sudden, random shooting, stabbing pains in my head
  • chest pain (both sides) Sometimes it will burn and sometimes it will turn my chest and face so cold that it’s almost hot (I can’t explain it)
  • Sometimes when I’m talking to someone, it’s like I’m not there and that I’m just watching myself.
  • Sometimes I feel like I have phantom limbs or something. when walking, they feel like jelly and like they’re not really moving.
  • My head feeling heavy and light at the same time?  like a floating balloon or something…

And sometimes it feels like I’m actually on drugs and I act weird and avoid eye contact.. I just start acting so weird. Also hard to put in words…

 

I’m sure there is more that I can’t think of right now, but please, if anyone reads this, please tell me if you experience ANY of this. I’m so scared and I don’t want to even think about myself going mad. I have a family and I just want to be a normal person.

 

Lots of Love,

Morgan

8 Comments
  1. bridgie101 4 years ago

    Hi Morgan,

    Depression issues – don’t worry about them, you have a lot of time to grow over the years. Just take life as it comes and gag yourself whenever you want to say anything silly. 😀

    the brain stuff? I met someone at a party who suffered from unexplained vertigo and after MUCH fighting with the medical profession they discovered air in his inner ear… or something, that caused an infection?

    He has ended up with almost permanent vertigo. He said he has to just operate as if – sitting is better than standing as he cannot fall from there, but he does always feel like he’s falling over.

    I just wonder if there’s something going on in the inner ear. it sounds physical to me. But the medical profession does prefer to tell you that you’re imagining anything they can’t fix. Convenient, that.

    You might have to do your own research a bit. That’s what this guy had to do.

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      mnmh16 4 years ago

      @bridgie101 It’s just irritating that I’m almost 30 and feel like that….

      The vertigo thing only happened that one time when I went to the hospital, but that was when the anxiety started after that. Just complete freak outs. I kid you not, someone can talk about a certain disease to me and tell me the symptoms, I will start feeling those exact symptoms. It’s crazy what your mind can do
      I did go to an ENT after that one episode though and he couldn’t see anything wrong, so idk …

      As for the me acting strange, I’m not saying anything strange, I just can just tell that I’m acting weird like my eyes are darting around like I’m on drugs… hard to explain and it’s not all the time.

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      • bridgie101 4 years ago

        Hi Morgan,
        I am really sorry to hear about this. I do think it’s neurological though. Not psychological. Because it happened suddenly after you did something physical.

        Having said that, there may not be a cure, and so you’d have to follow the path the long way to get back to normal. You can sort anxiety out, not only with medication but also just investigating the causes of it. We’re biochemical creatures, and if something’s shorting in there we can think our way through rerouting the signals by developing new thought processes.

        Brains are very cool. Very cool. And for you there’s more than one way to skin a cat! Take care!

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  2. lifeofgad 4 years ago

    I also have the feeling dizzy if I stand in one place to long thing which is something I have to do at work a lot. I am working on leaning against something and focusing on ‘grounding’ my feet, as my yoga instructor tells us to do in class. I still don’t understand why it happens or what the heck it means. It’s almost like having an out of body experience.

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    mnmh16 4 years ago

    @lifeofgad YES! Describes it perfectly. out of body. It’s so disturbing

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  4. ucfdarkknight 4 years ago

    Hey Morgan,

    I haven’t experienced those symptoms, but I did want to say I also question the 300 word minimum. Sometimes I feel like it takes away from the authenticity of my blog because I find myself having to add “fillers” just to make sure it reaches 300 words

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  5. delane 4 years ago

    Hi Morgan.
    Some of those symptoms are so familiar to me. About a year and a half ago, the vertigo-symptoms “popped up” and the doc couldn’t explain it other than to say ‘vertigo’…. The feeling like a ‘brain machine’ i experience almost daily. i really think a lot of that has to do with my inner ears. But, then again, there’s always more to it. Balloon head, yep, that too…(But, i can tell you with a lot of the head issues, i probably do have a bit more oddities since i had some brain damage, nineteen years ago.) My chest pains are a bit different. And the pains i experience, regarding my head are generally headaches or migraines or even sinus issues.
    You are soooooooooooo NOT alone, mnmh16. Have you ever tried any meds for the anxiety or depression? Talking to someone about things going on in your life or how you’re doing? (just wonderin…)
    i really do hope you can get some answers and also some helps for the malfunctions!

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  6. kimbeme 3 years ago

    Hi Morgan. You have probably completely moved on from this site and have done much investigation on your symptoms. Maybe some day you will come back to this site and read your responses. I have been through all these things/symptoms that you mentioned. I thought I had to be going crazy. I must have been in my very early 20s when I started to come up with my own explanations of what was happening to me. Here I am over 20 years later and GUESS WHAT?? I still dont have all the answers. But I do have some. Learning that I real am not the only one who has felt these things helps. It isnt often that someone relates to my specific kind of crazy..lol… But it does happen. You definately have an anxiety disorder. I dont think you have the medical VERTIGO. Problem with your inner ear. Your off balance sounds like another symptom of your anxiety….maybe you have OCD as well. The brain zaps, the chest pain on either or both sides of chest are also anxiety. Its like have minor panic attacks that are triggered by a thought or something you see, feel, or hear. I had that for over 20 years! Miraculously!!!!… when my councellor of the past 3 years explained it to me, I SWEAR THE CHEST PAINS WENT AWAY. I get them now and again when Im not feeling good about myself or let my emotions take over. Id really love to hear how you are going now. Hope you are getting the help and answers you seek, If you ever revisit this site, let me know where this self discovery journey brought you!

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