Today I'm feeling really odd. I feel better for the most part than I've been in months, and while I'm grateful for that, there's still something bugging me. I feel useless and unneccasary and and pointless. I'll be doing something and some voice in my head tell me "if you take a bottle of pills you can feel better and be done with all of this". It's scary because the voiceis in my head but it feels like it doesn't belongto me. Butit keeps coming up with suicide plans. Why? I feel a lot better than Ihave in a long, long time. It just doesn't make sense to me. I know I'm still depressed somewhat but not THIS bad. So what's going on here?

It's gray and chilly out today ~ I actually wanted to wear pants and a sweater. Of course being a Floridian anything under 70 degrees is chilly, and the 50's are downright cold to us. Ithink it's true what they say ~ we're thin blooded in the South. I'm hoping a little sunshine will find it's way through the clouds at some point here ~ I need mydaily 15 minute dose of full sunlight. I think Imay have SAD and amvery sensitive to the weather.

I spent the morning making copies of all my paperwork for my appointment with Social Security tomorrow. Please pray for me or send positive thoughts. I'm really hoping this goes through the first time even though it rarely happens. We could use all the financial help we can get at this point.

I saw deer this morning when I took Zachary to school. I had forgotten what beautiful creatures they are. They're so regal looking and graceful. Sometimes I wish I appeared the same way. But no, I'm clumsy and have little self-esteem. I don't know why but it's always been that way, ever since I was a small child. I'm never sure of myself, and I avoid getting into any kind of commitment doing anything because I'm afraid I won't be able to stick to it and that wouldn't be fair to the other people I'd be working with. I dropped out of a Christmas Eve performance because I didn't have enough belief in myself to perform this music well in a matter of a couple weeks. Dumb, huh? I think so.

Today I'm going to try to do some more decorating around the house, put the outdoor lights up and do some minor laundry. That should keep me busy enough until my son comes home from school. When there are people around I feel a lot better. I am really lonelydespite all my friends and family. It's like being in a crowded room and and everyone istalking and having a good time, except you because you feel alone eventhen. That feeling is awful, butthat's how I feel a lot ofthe time. Thank heavens I have my pets ~ I don't have to talk with them aboutmy problems (even though Ido sometimes anyhow)and good things too.Their presence and affection make me feel a littlelike I'm worth something at least. Especially my dog Carley, my rabbit Trigger,andone of my cats named Hogan. All of them like to cuddle which I love. And of course my son and my husband. There are a lot of times when I can be affectionate and not need to explain how I'm feeling. IfAaron only knew the extent of the issues I'm having…

I'm determined tomake this a wonderful Christmas and birthday for my son. He was born 5days after Christmas.A lateChristmaspresent for me ~ and the best one I've ever had. 🙂

I think I'm going togo eat some lunch and then lie down for awhile and sleep. That seems like all I want to dothese days. I wonder if it's the Abilify or the Cogentin that makes me tired…maybe both?

I hope everyone has a decent day today and feels loved. (((HUGS))) to all of you.


  1. tcsoprano 8 years ago

    I literally feel exactly what you're describing right now, that like everything is going better so I need to make it worse feeling. I haven't been able to talk to anyone about it either. Trying to stay strong through my finals. Decorating is fun- put your energy in that. Talk to you soon <3 - t

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  2. SaltWaterDrinker 8 years ago

     You're right, Key, there is a lot of overlap between how we're feeling today. "Worthless and pointless" about sums it up, especially if you add "slothful" and "wordless."

    I am sorry to hear about the Christmas Eve performance.  I am sure you would have done beautifully, but I know how paralytic low self-confidence can be.  Despite any and all evidence to the contrary, everything just seems too hard, too frightening, too deep and true a test of our "real worth."  Who the hell wants to risk it when the stakes seem that high?

    Anyway, I think that this next year will be a time of great growth and healing for both of us.  At least, I hope so.

    BTW–meant to mention it before–I love the photo of you with the face paint.  You look fabulous–very healthy indeed.  

    Enjoy today, babe.



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