Hiya,

Wow first off I have to say that I miss coming in here every day. I have been just so busy… Imagine that being busy sober…. You know when I got here I did not think that there was going to be a whole lot to do while NOT drinking…. Boy was I wrong…. I have been on the run for the last 2 weeks. And this weekend I actually get to stay home and do nothing what a concept.

Last week I had some really important stuff that I had to take care of with a family member and to say the least I was quit on edge about it. I shared about it in a meeting and got some extremely great advice and then set out to take care of it.. There were no real amends there but I acted as if there were you know those living amends. The one we do every day we live a sober life. Well going towards this with that attitude I will tell you that all my fears were for nothing and it turned out even better then if I had tried to put my hands in the middle of it and make it work… (Well we know that that don’t work) well after that I went back towards my area of the state… and stopped off and stayed with a friend that I have neglected for the last couple of years. And talked recovery, relationships, male and female life, camping, love, hate, man you talk about an amazing program…Had the opportunity to make yet another amends for the neglect. See today I want to be treated with kindness and respect.. Well if I am not showing that towards others how do I expect to be treated this way… so sitting there with my friend and through out our conversations I was able to make that amends for the last 2 years… WOW what an awesome program this is. See he kept loving me, and praying for me. Why would he do that…? Because he loves me that is why…. I am allowed to go threw what I need to and he said I was just walking with you in the shadows… until you your self walked out of them..

I went to dinner with my sponsor (Out of town) wow again 🙂 we had a brand new comer with us and we laughed…(I thought that for a min my sponsor was going to fall out of her chair. ) and again we talked about recovery…. and we watched this new comer just sit there and ponder what it was we were doing having FUN…. (Really it does happen)  We went to a meeting after dinner… and heard an awesome speaker… Now this was the time that I am very grateful that I have a sponsor and that she was in the same town I was in… I had a bunch of mixed emotions at this meeting because of this past stuff that I went threw… but I made it… WOW again I did not have to make an ass out of my self nor did I have to take that big wooden spoon out that I enjoy pulling out and using. What an amazing program…. I can love those who need loving and I can pray for those who need praying for and I can enjoy the life that I have with out stirring up the shit…

My heart after this past weekend from the Friday event and the Saturday events is so full of life and recovery that I am sitting here in amazement… I understand that promise now that says we will know a new freedom and happiness. The people in my life today are amazing from the girlfriends to the boyfriend. (Yes I said boyfriend) what amazing gifts I have…

In this last year I did a whole lot of sole searching… and the really neat thing today is that I know what I want… and I know what I need… and I actually know the difference… I have every thing that I need today because I found it inside of me… It was really never gone I have just tapped back into it. I do not have to look to out side things, stuff, people to fix me any longer. My god did that. He healed this broken heart that was smashed to little bitty bits… I have started to put those little bits back together and the heart that I have today is strong and loving. There is no more room for hatred, pain, and despair. And I found all of this from finding me. I am now trying to share this with a man that wants it… but does not need it… what a difference. He puts a smile in my heart. And holds my hand and says lets walk this journey together side by side. Lets laugh together and let’s cry together. I can not take away your past pains but I can help heal your heart so you can love again. This walk I am on today, I am taking with God and in Gods time. I do not think that things in me can change (my picker) until I change. I feel I have but only my god knows this… I have shared this with him… Him being in recovery says… God will heal all… if you let him…. I cannot heal, nor fix, I can only work on me. You (as in Joy) are showing me that I have a heart worth loving. So if this is why I was placed in his life then I have succeeded. But in return with out looking or asking he is showing me that I also have a heart worth loving….

This journey is one that I have been on for a very long time… I have just let the little speed bumps really send me on detours. This past weekend and the past few months have opened up my eyes to what life is all about.. by all means I do not have all the answers to all the questions that I have. But if I continue to walk with God I know that the answers will come in time. It is not my job to question what his plans are for me it is my job to do the best job I can with the next thing that comes up… I am extremely blessed today and I hope that you are to and you feel it from deep in your sole.

 

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