Well I guess the more I read about mental abuse and narcissism, the more convinced I am that this is what I’ve been going through.

There are so many different things I have read and they all seem to apply pretty heavily.

I am looking forward to seeing the doctor tomorrow. I told him last night that I made the appointment. I told him that I was going to talk to the doctor about the possibility that I have depression and to get some chantix. I don’t know how I can smoke when it disgusts me so bad and gives me such a headache. *shrug*

I wouldn’t dare tell him that I think my mental state has a lot to do with him and his behavior. But you know what’s weird? I really have been feeling like there’s a fog lifting off of me.

It’s so strange. I really have been able to see him for what he really is lately and it’s pretty liberating. It’s almost like I’ve gone from feeling like I’m not right in the head to really being able to look and him and see that HE’S not right in the head.

And all the reading I’ve been doing did finally lead me to several articles about narcissism, and you betcha, that’s him to a T. Man! I spent so much time catering to his ego and letting him deflate mine.

Last night he was doing the same thing, fishing for compliments. He was (I swear to God) POSING in front of me in his boxers. You know, with the flexing and the turning. It was funny! Now, in a situation like that it’s meant to be funny. He’s doing it for a joke, to make me laugh.

But isn’t it funny that the things he does to joke around will ultimately result in my telling him how great he looks?

And get this: we’re watching a movie. I say something that’s a bit of a spoiler right at the beginning. Well, I thought he had seen it before. He says he hasn’t seen it in years and don’t tell him what happens.

Fine. That’s cool.

We continue to watch and I made a comment about how cute the bears were. The bears were ON the SCREEN at the time. No spoiler there. And yet he says to me, "You just couldn’t help yourself, could you? You just had to say something about the movie."

Huh? I didn’t know I was just not allowed to talk in general.

And he’s smiling while he says this. But there’s a glint there. That glint of something sinister under the surface. Like he’s daring me to challenge him, so he can attack my opinion and tell my why I’m wrong and he’s right, thereby making himself feel better. Thereby keeping control.

I think that might be his favorite game.