3:25AM:

I haven’t been getting enough sleep lately. Too much or too little. This year has been one of the hardest years for me. 2017 has changed me. I’m not quite sure whether its a good or bad thing because honestly, im falling apart. I feel like im losing myself… A lot of people this year have took bits & pieces of myself… I am stripped of all of what was once me. I was strong, I had confidence which I had worked tirelessly for years now.. I had faith, hope, etc. And, now… I have nothing. Broken pieces of me, the least. Right now, yeah I guess you can say im still here but its like my mind is somewhere else. I can’t focus anymore, I have no energy for anything. I’m living off of my own taped up work of edges & pieces that is left of my broken heart. & on top of everything else, let me not forget the real issues of my life rn. The family issues, the hurt, the pain, the stress & having no friends to talk to. And what’s sad is, people normally think that when someone says they have no friends, they are overexaggerating. But, unfortunately that is not the case for me… Not even close. I really don’t have any friends. I had a few but slowly they started to disappear one by one. And before I knew it, they were all gone. I didn’t understand it at first. These were people who were like family to me. I did everything a real friend would do & more. People who know me from where im from, know me as a real, blunt & honest person. Some loved me for it & some hated me for it. But I was okay with that because I knew I had something special. Nothing beneficial for me but more importantly for others. I love to help others. I love people. I love everyone, yet I hate myself. And because of that, I did everything I could to help others. Maybe that’s my problem… I always put others first before my own self. And in the end, I end up getting hurt by these same people who I’ve spent my last with. And now here I am… Alone. One thing I’ve learned about being alone is that its not always a bad thing. Sometimes, all you need is yourself. So, with that being said, its good to take some time off & find some inner peace within yourself… But, I also know that being alone can be a very dark place. Silence is the #1 killer. Having nothing but silence & being left alone collecting all your thoughts in this deep & dark place is real. And sometimes its hard to shut them out. They start to get really loud & soon enough, these thoughts will be all you hear. This dark place can take over your whole mind & body & drain the life out of you if you let it. I know this because I have suffered my own battle wounds from this same dark place. Someone once asked me, “What are those scars from?” & I answered them truthfully.. I told them that they were battle wounds. ” Who or what were you battling?” they asked. & I gave them a simple answer… Myself. I was battling myself. And If someone were to ask me how I survived this dark place… I would probably say forgiveness. I let go of all people from my past who have hurt me, abused me, etc. & I forgave them. I had to dig deep for inner strength that I knew I still had lingering somewhere inside me. I then managed to have the strength to forgive people for every single thing they have done to me. I had to forgive people who weren’t even ashamed or let alone sorry about the damage they have caused. And most of all, I forgave myself for all the mistakes I have done that has brought shame to my family & my very own self.. Once that all passes, everything good starts to kind of come together & all the pain that you had inside of you also starts to kind of fade away along with the scars that come with you. It might not ever go away. Perhaps, It will always be apart of you. But that’s the beauty of it all, its who you are, & what makes you, you. Its the story about you. And soon enough, you’ll have a story to tell and you will use it to help others. A story that is about you & your life. The good and the bad. Use it. Use that story to help others. Whether its the future, your future kids, the present, etc. I think once you see for yourself someone smiling after hearing your story & helping them on their journey to healing, will bring you some peace & hopefully happiness. To make sure that no one else has to go through that dark place like myself, or as you yourself, brings great satisfaction. It is truly an amazing feeling. Maybe that way, slowly one by one, we can all learn how to beat this dark place. Because no one knows depression the way we, ourselves the depressed, know. To bring awareness, peace, & happiness. For that, is my hope one day. Xo

~ Blessings, G