so i would really like to write a positive blog for once. i used to alot. but times are getting tougher and even tougher.
so here is a quick positive messege: for everyone that suffers from anxiety, depression, ocd, eating disorders, mood disorders, or any other mental health issue…never, NEVER give up. i don\'t know much, but i do know this. so many times i could\'ve given in, but somehow i didn\'t. and if you\'re on this site, that means that you at the very least seek the companionship or understanding of others. or perhaps just reading what others write and knowing that there are so many others like you out there. you are not alone. no matter what you suffer from. there is always hope. as dark as the night gets, there is always another day. believe me. i\'ve had my share of "dark nights". and i\'m still alive and kicking. anyway, i wish everyone well, and i hope that you can all find relief at the very least, if not recover completely or at least a little bit. good luck all:)
so back to my blog. things are tough and just keep getting tougher for me. if you\'ve been unfortunate enough to read any of my blogs than you know a little about me and what i\'m doing right now. i never thougth i would have it in me to move from ohio to cali and try to be on my own and get into school(college). but here i am. struggling everyday, trying to stay afloat, trying my damndest at everything. and once i accomplish something, it always seems to be thrown back in my face. i know that i\'m doing all that i can. i guess thats all that matters.
but yesterday, i hit a taxi(thus the blog title…incase yur not old like me, its a quote from the movie "taxi" with Robert Dinero). but she was turning right and so was i. i was behind her. she started to go, so i let off the break. than she slammed her breaks, and i slammed my breaks but still hit her at like 4 mph. she was really cool. but since she was driving a taxi, and had a passenger, she had to take my info. there was no damage whatsoever, she basically admitted to being at fault(although since i was behind her, it\'s ofcourse my fault. she said if it was her car that she would\'nt call it in, and that she would to all she could to get her boss to not call it in. so now all i can do is wait and see if my insurance calls. i really hope it dosent. when i moved here in feb. from ohio, my insurance premium doubled just from the cost of living out here. then i hit a mercedes…a very similar situation where even the cops said that i really wasn\'t at fault but since i was behind her i was at fault. i\'m just worried as hell that my premium is going to quadruple when my 6 months is up here around aug. but what can i do ya know. i guess i will just always leave 5 car lenghts between me and the car in front of me for now on.
also i had a very deep and interesting conversation with my older brother today. i realized many things today. alot of things i already kind of knew about him. i\'ve always known that we have alot in common, but damn…i never realized we had this much in common. i have respect him a little more then before now. he has tried his ass off his whole life…he really has. things just have been rough on him. and i mean really rough….but i\'m left to wonder after talking with him today…are all my efforts i am making to be in vain? he\'s tried so hard at EVERYTHING. i never realized just how hard. i really think that i can change. i actually know i can cause i already have over the course of many years hard work. but talking to him just reinforced some of my negative thinking…its not his fault, its mine. i\'ve been thinking so negatively lately. but i\'ve had so much bullshit going on. and it just keeps coming…am i doomed to a life of that of my father?
NO! no matter how hard things get, i will somehow pull through all of this. fuck! it just gets so hard sometimes. so lonely. so depressing. among many other negative details. but i somehow need to tap into some motivation and snap out of this depressive black hole i\'m in. i have so many reasons to keep fighting. my family, my gf, myself, etc. i can\'t give up, i just can\'t. but i knew it would be a test out here. but this is like the final for a phd in rocket science combined with a pop quiz on the history of pop music (if infact you want to call it music)… but i may be going through such fucking hell, but all i can do is keep trying and ignore my doubters(people who don\'t realize how hard it is for me to do what i am doing)…to them i say…"open up yur closed mind and just walk a fucking step in my shoes. lol, just see how far you get."