Okay, so I've struggled to find any quick and easy resources for HIV infected young people…. According to the CDC men between the ages of 18-25 are the highest rate of infected, so where the Hell are they? It's hard not to be frustrated when I've had to struggle growing up among my peers being isolated because I was gay, and even though I can say those experiences made me stronger I can't help but feeling like a little kid in the midst of unexplored territory.

I've never been the type to be able to keep up with a blog but I know that it can help sort out these thoughts and feelings inside. It's a good as time as any. I've been HIV+ for nearly 2 years, with the initial diagnoses September of last year. As far as my health is concerned, I know that I'm doing very well. Started ATRIPLA back in February after my 22nd birthday, with such minor side effects they're barely notable. I know I should feel grateful for all the advances in modern medicine. It's come so far that my HIV virus can be kept in check so that I can reach the prime of my life, but I haven't been able to see the glimpse of light in the dark.

It's bad enough I isolated myself from others in order to comes to grip with my diagnoses, but it doesn't take a genius to know that there are those who still see HIV+ people as plague carrying varmint. I'm proud to say that during the time I spent foolishly fucking around that I never infected another person with HIV. I didn't find out that I was HIV+ after being sent to the emergency room; I was tested regularly. And my lab values are something to celebrate less than a year later. I should feel grateful or happy, but I haven't really been able to let myself feel those things.

I'm only frustrated most days. I've not met other HIV+ men, or women for that matter, except for the people who work in the clinic. The only men I can find that are upfront and honest about their status online are only seeking bareback sex, which is a disappointment. I seriously don't believe that if I was HIV- that I would be any less lost right now. I moved to an urban area after growing up in a county with < 35,000, and I still feel alone. It's ridiculous because I know that I am not alone. Millions of people in the world live with HIV. Thousands of people have died, but I'm living in an era where an HIV diagnoses isn't a death sentence. Why can't I see the glass as half full?

When I mentioned to the nurse who I saw this week for my latest checkup he told me that I was smart to be confused and question the world around me. So perhaps I'm not so far off base. Regardless of the positive things that I'm able to have now because of those who came before me and fought and suffered for it, there is still a lot wrong with this picture. I'm not being negative when I take notice but rather I guess I'm being realistic. But realistically speaking, if I'm apart of that age bracket that is the highest among infection rates today, there should be a fucking coffee shop where I can go and not a sex club.

I sit and wonder whether or not this is ultimately my fate, if I'll become so jaded as to backtrack and embrace the behavior that put me in this position in the first place, or if there is actually meaning in finding my own way. There isn't anyone looking to hand me the answers, but then again I've never had a problem finding them on my own, even if I didn't always get the one I was hoping for.

This is another step towards that search.

2 Comments
  1. EAPoe 11 years ago

    I feel you. I found out in Feb. of 2010 at the age of 29 and still feel like I should not tell anyone bc of how they may react or treat me. It also doesn't help that I'm in the midwest. Sometimes I think it would be so much easier to just pack up and move to New York City. I read somewhere that the Chelsea area in New York has the most HIV+ people living in it. I'm in grad school right now and I have good insurance so just dropping everything and moving isn't realistic but sometimes I think that would be the best thing to do.  I feel very alone also.

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  2. docadamshaspert 11 years ago

    I understand exactly how you feel.  I found out in December of 2007 on my 30th birthday.  Talk about one hell of a Birthday Present.  Even now, almost 4 years later, the world around me is just as confusing as it was that first day.   My biggest problem has been not so much the HIV, but rather the transition back into the Civillian community as an HIV positive OIF Veteran.  At least over in Iraq I knew who and what was trying to take me out.  I could see the threat.  With HIV it is frustrating because, while I know the threat is there, I can't see it- but it is inside me.  That for me is frustrating.

    Just keep in mind that each day for us is a struggle.  I hear you on the only online part.  That too is frustrating.  Well that and finding people my own age in real life that are positive.  Don't worry. Things do get better.  Or so I've been told.

    V/r,

    Doogie

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