There's a lot of strange things about being human. For instance typing, i hear carrie from sex in the city in my head say what i type this…it's kind of a weird thing. i think it represents my desire to want to be insightful. i say desire to want, because i have a track record for not really feeling much about anything. When i used to be angsty to figure out who i am, i took a lot of personality tests. One of the tests was called the "what's your dysunctional personality". it was supposed to put a negative spin to the results, but it had a legitimate calculator behind it. On this unique test i scored the title of "Robot". The description complained that my personality was basically lack of personality. I took this in a mixed way. On one hand it made me feel lonely and was an indicator that there's nothing really appealing about being well..a robot. On the bright side of this, was that i was completely well rounded. So well rounded in fact that i was the definition of average. I don't socialize much, but when i do i get out of my skin. There's a desperate hyper-enthusiasm that i hope makes me seem out there, but it always ends up feeling so unlike me. I used to have opinions and convictions..i lost most of them. they float around in my obscure doubt of things and my half-assed attempt to be anything at all.

I never outgrew my angst, and for a while i thought i knew myself pretty well. I've always kept journals, usually written. It's so odd looking back. I read some of my old writing a couple of days ago. I feel so far from how i used to be. It's not in a good way or a bad way. It just seems like I'm reading someone else's writing…and i get bored.

The more i keep journals, the more i've realized that i record things because i want someone to show in interest in what i put out there. it's a twisted way for me to communicate because talking or chatting isn't my favorite way or my most adept way of conversing.

The original idea behind this entry was to mention how i get aggitated by people quite a bit…or i used to anyway..but i've kind of had a resurgence of i almost want to say's a weird feeling, and usually i don't have to deal with it because normally i'm by myself. This is the key factor, i think. I forgot why i isolate, and in doing so, I think i've lost myself even more to whatever hermitude i pull off. It's a weird cycle..forgetting and remembering reasons for living your life as you do. Some have said "know your enemy to know yourself", and i think that's how i used to operate. That keen awareness to dissect and sort things has been far from my mind. I think it's just another way that i am my own enemy. go figure.


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