Food., it has a different meaning for everyone. it does different things; some eat for pleasure, others see food as just fuel to live. others hate it.

ive always enjoyed food, i like cooking food, eating food, watching others cook, watching food programs, reading cook books. i like food.

ive always been slim, well curvy slim, i have hips, thighs boobs & a bum for sure.  ive never really enjoyed exercise, but always enjoyed food. thats now becoming a problem. i’m using food as my replacement punishment. I’m not cutting, im eating.

im aware of my body, its taken me years to begin to accept it . i lived with my step sister for 14 years, for 8 of those she had anorexia. she was admitted to hospital and bed bound and fed through tubes ect. so seriously anorexic. my step mum was bulimic as a teenager, and still struggles with food, weight & body image.  so for some one like me, some one who is designed to be a ‘real woman’ its difficult.   i think some where along the lines this way of thinking as sunk in somewhere in my head, and it attacks my thoughts when im in stages of doubt. when i feel down or alone. its there. in plagues me.

im not cutting, so im eating. im eating to the point where my stomach hurts, to the point that i know that its making me eat. im binge eating- im not being sick though. i am not bulimic,  i dont like being sick. plus my gag reflex is fucked and pretty much doesnt work unless im actually ill. // as a result im putting on weight. i feel guilty. i feel ugly. my skin is getting bad, im getting grumpy and aggitated. its making things with matt difficult. i dont want to be naked much in fornt of him, im not enjoy sex as much becasue i just want to put my clothes back on, more frequently im keeping more of them on. im not enjoying sex as much ither because i dont feel sexy or confidant. i dont love my self, so its hard to let matt love me. He told me he loved me, he said it.

im always thinking about food. im hurting my self. im eating cheese and bread, cakes chocolate. Im lactose & gluten intolerentm and while i usually eat normal foods in moderation i perticulary stay away form dairy products. but at the moment im eating so much cheese. its making me ill, and putting me in pain. its also making me put on weight. I’m struggling alot in me head with my mental demons.

im ina state of uncertainty. i  start universtiy in 7 days, i think thats the reason why im in this mental melt down. i dont know whats going to happen. im worried that uni will change alot of things. i want to control somthing, anything, i cant control anything, exept cutting and eating. both are bad. both are hurting me, i think i honestly prefer cutting, its winter now- i can hid it easier. it heals quicker, weight is harder to hide, harder to get rid of. im not justifying why i might cut im simply saying id prefer to cut then eat. others wouldnt agree at all.

i need to dye my hair.

that will help.

it sounds stupid; it will boost my confidance in my self. i will do it tomorrow.

i dont like change, big change like this. my friends going to uni, me going to uni, friends starting work. new people, new places.

my circle is being cracked open. it scares the hell out of me

xox